Tuesday, December 4, 2007

On a different note...

kuch to majbooriyaan rahin hongi
Yu koi bewafaa nahi hota

Ji bahut chahta hai sach bolain
Kya kare hausla nahi hota

Guftagu un se roz hoti hai
Muddaton saamna nahi hota

I've been thinking about all the people I have ever known in my life - past and present, and the influences they have had on me. I remember reading once, that the person who causes you the most grief, pushes the most buttons or causes you the most pain - is your greatest teacher. I believe that to be true and I would like to thank everyone today who falls into these categories. Without you none of this would be possible. Your lack of support, understanding and seeming disinterest in my life has given me the motivation and the tools I needed to live. While I am aware that my ramblings here may appear to be somewhat facetious, that is not my intent. I have given a lot of thought to the paths that our lives have taken and to what has brought us here to this moment. There may be some truth to the idea that "things happen for a reason". That being said, I see now that those people were my greatest inspiration after all.

Those very people have triggered a taste within me for being immune to my surrounding, its gives me a unique kick. And I carry on the good work with others what my lot have subjected me to. It’s a start of dream a vision I had once. If I die today it should atleast 3 days for my office people to know that I am dead… a fortnight at least for my parents and relatives and at least a month for my friends and acquaintances. Hopefully If the same can be extended to god as well then nothing like it. You are a non-entity not an eyebrow raised if you are strolling in heaven or sitting in a corner of hell. To be a non entity in any canvas of life.

In my previous company I remember meeting a girl during interview who said her ambition/dream in life is to be a ticket collector. Ambition to be like a guy who sits behind that small dinky window giving you the ticket in bus Depot or railway station. No one remember their faces. At times you don’t even bother to bend a bit and see his face you just wait for him to issue you a ticket and return the change. I never heard such ambition before I met this girl. Not a doctor not a engineer not even a house wife but the guy who issues you bus/railway ticket. The reason was as simple as the ambition itself. She feels they have a 9-6 job, no hassle no tension.. take the money issue a ticket and return the change and that’s it. Start of once vacation or journey is from you. Six in the evening close the window deposit the money and return home. I don’t know what was her idea but it opened a window for me to a whole new world. A life with no struggle…no race…no burning ambition no fire… no remorse… no disappointment…no desire to change the world… no urge to make any kind of impact on anyone… no one remembers you when gone… no one acknowledges your presence or senses your absence… Being that person is the biggest dream I ever saw for myself. I don’t know if I would be able to achieve that in its entirety or not… all i can say is I have started working on it…. And in the coming future if you feel I am deliberately ignoring you, please don’t feel bad I just don’t want to be involved in anything which will become a part of your memory.

Something died within me when she called me back… I was never that important in her life… not even in my wildest of imagination I kid myself by thinking she got a soft corner for me…yes, something really died within me to understand the reason why she called me back…

Mother of all egoistic people I have known… a glass figure who will prefer breaking than bending… she called me back… I didn’t pick her call couple of times initially to help her forget me, but there are temptations and then there is an impulsive nature as well which at times overshadow your ego I can be nothing but a bad news in her life. She called back again this time from a different number which I didn’t recognize… she asked me not to disconnect her call…We spoke… we did something which I never thought will happen again at least from her side. Never saw or met anyone as lonely and friendless as her…. I bet if she had even one distant person as friend, this would have never happened… she would have never called.

I wish I can force her to make good friends or be a part of a good company… her chastity… her principles… her beauty and attraction works against her. People cant help falling in love with her… her seductive aura generates those lusting desires in one and all… if you are a man or a lesbian you cant help but fantasize… she knows it and she stays away…life would have been much more lucrative and giving for her if she would have compromised on her chastity… even those small non physical affairs would have taken her places… I wonder if her husband understands how taxing its for her to maintain her chastity…. I wish I can go back in time and erase those days when I told her about my feelings for her... I wish I was not this selfish…given her a true friend acknowledging her chastity. Such a beautiful chance I had and what a mess I made… my angel was awarding me with her trust & faith and I turned out to be nothing but that selfish leech plagued with desire. I not only killed a good friend but also slaughtered someone who bestowed the highest level of trust I ever had from anyone in my life… A woman trusting you with her chastity… a trust…an honour…. a faith much more valuable than any form of love… yeah… I wish I can go back in time and change few things.

So many things well kept and buried in my heart… so many things which will never come out beyond my diary pages…bloody I could have buried this as well…

Weired weired world… many people regret that they never could muster enough courage to express their feeling to the one they love and then there are people like me who will regret long for expressing their feeling…

I end with a sincere thought my friends if you can help avoid making life hard for people whom you value the most by your selfish self.

And I say this not for those people but for us because it makes a day feel like long painful stretched years when you are been eaten with guilt and remorse.



1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Why r u doing dis?? Pck up ur phone dial my no n ask me 2 get out of ur life n I wont come bak ever.
ppl lik u nvr understnd how bad u hurt some1 who alwys care fr u.

u dnt evn knw how hurtin u r at times some1 rightly said u will nvr undrstand a luvin heart till it leavs u or its 2 late