Saturday, July 28, 2007


Life is a tangent to the curve of our expectations. Curves are what I like, but that's beside the point. Anyways, in this world of curves and dead-ends, the only way to stay on the right tract is to distract.

Till very late to distract myself from whats happening around me I used to sit near my balcony door and count the number of ants walking, giving them names and mission to bring food for the colony. Well, that’s me your very own but truly speaking, the philosophy of distraction is profound, but we will talk about it later. For now I must talk about the apple. The story of the apple is as old as Baba Adam. The apple was the first fruit that the human being tasted( I have not heard anyone eating any other fruit in heaven). That's why they say in English 'A for Apple'. Well, intelligent readers know that after 'A for Apple' comes 'B for Boy', and that was what Baba Adam realized he could produce only after eating the apple. So, the apple is central to human existence. Had there been no apple, perhaps we would not have existed, and my groundbreaking research on the importance of the apple would have never taken place. Perhaps my research could have still occurred, for, habitually I work only in thin air, on non-existent topics, but we can at least for now discount that impossibility.

Speaking about baba Adam and bibi Eve: Soon after eating the tasty apple, baba Adam realized that bibi Eve now “Babe Eve” looked even tastier. So babe Eve, clever that she was, confused baba Adam by cloaking herself in the most distasteful leaves of all: the banana leaf. The first love song was sung around the apple tree, and that forms the inspiration for the zillion Hindi movie songs that are filmed around trees. God saw babe Eve dancing in designer banana fashion wear, and like the censor committee, he too was appalled to the core. He realized that his apple was gone, eaten and that too by baba Adam. God, like me, too likes apples. He was quite annoyed, so much so, that he put an apple in man's throat, and banished him from heaven. It is this very apple that all my classmates looked forward to in high school and Santosh Rai still carries it at the height of 6’5 feet. Only when the apple appeared, one could claim his exalted entry into adulthood. Apple as a synonym of manhood, apple as a synonym of women leading man into his fall or rise, whatever you would like to call it, apple as a synonym of desire: apple is central to the concept that is the human being!

I like apples... its genetic my father loves them more than me; an apple a day keeps the doctor away, though I would urge the unmarried women to keep the apples away, so that they can meet me some day. Only if I meet them, they can make me the apple of their eyes. There are some women who tried to make me the grapes in their eye: some left saying that the grapes are sour; others said they prefer wine, and would return to savor me when I become old and fine. So at least for now I am like the desi satellite, Apple, launched in some year around the period I was born, revolving in space, miles away from the beauties. I keep falling, though I never reach them; if the moon couldn't complete its free fall, how can I. But I do hope that I cause some tides of emotion in those unreachable apple pies. Apple pies are sweet, and sultry and tasty and inviting and no other pies can match them. Not even the American pie, for which Madonna re-sung bye bye Miss American Pie, and two movies came and went, without a real punch; for the real revelation would be a movie I produce some day, aptly titled Apple Pie, starring none other than Preity Zinta who hails from apple valley, from my apple state (though we are not related).

The apple that fell on Newton led to the brainstorm, though I doubt that story too. I sincerely think that a bird that was eating an apple dropped the final product on Newton who was so aghast that he set out to find out why the thing hit him in the first place. Had an apple fallen on him, he would have just eaten it and that would have been the end of the story. Agreed that Newton was a genius, and that's precisely why he would have ended eating up the apple without bothering so much about why it fell. The apple story cannot be true on other account too. I have often stood under apple trees, but in the two decades of my existence on this planet, no apple has ever fallen from a tree on my head. But, from years of data collection and experience I know that the probability of a bird throwing the paint on your face is quite high; but an apple falling on the head is as low as finding a Hindi movie heroine fully clothed. Be it the monsoon or snow, the heroines have enough courage to avoid covering their cold-proof, water-proof skin. Anyhow, you may ask why an experience similar to that of Newton's did not propel me into path-breaking research. Truly speaking, I tried my luck. Since everything that could have been discovered and thought about has already been done, I have now dropped the idea of being another Newton and have instead picked up an apple.

We have come a long way from the first day of humanity on this planet to the present moment, and the apple is still there. When people started creating this virtual habitat, they called the computers "Macintosh", another world for apple. I still prefer the apple, but apples are not that easy to get. At least in India we get apples only in one particular season when someone brings a peti home, as a gift. Government officers have their own sources of apples, and believe me I have always benefited from this apple culture. But while the apple is rare, apple cider is available more often, and so is HPMC apple juice. HPMC apple juice has the merit of tasting like the tonic that they gave my sister to kill worms in her stomach, and I drank it thinking it was apple juice from HPMC. Well, that was the turning point in my life, for that tonic drove the thriving population in my stomach away. Moreover, I realized that the world is not as it seems, and we must not take for granted what we are told. Around the same time, I had another heartbreak when I learnt that the earth is not shaped like an apple, but like an orange. I still doubt it though, because the orange has no historic relevance whatsoever. Believe me, if you prove that the earth is indeed shaped like an apple, the Nobel Prize is the least you can expect.

Get real. Find your apple today. Or find your Eve who can lead you to the apple. If it is off-season, eat lime chicken at Applebee or get HMPC tonic that has therapeutic powers. Sit under an apple tree -- perhaps some apple will fall on your head someday, and that day you will regain your lost 'yaadash'. Maybe you have had an apple fall on your head in the past, and in that past you were the apple of everyone's eyes. Your reading this far reminds me of another apple story, an unfair conclusion to your swallowing my apple fairytale: one rotten apple spoils the lot! Anyhow, that rotten lot later becomes fine alcohol, as tasty as wine. Wine: reminds me of more grapevine, perhaps I will weave that the next time. Meanwhile, eat an apple a day, and keep the future me (doc) away.

Wahi alfaaz

Humne dastoor zamane ke nirale dekhe
Jeete jaagte badan cheernewale dekhe

Dekhnewala tujhe dekh ke chahe sada
bana ke tasweer tujhe dil mein basake dekhe

Ishq ke desh mein ek din na guzara aisa
Jis main padte na sanam jaan ke lale dekhe

Ishq ki raah mein khair na aayi apni
Na kabhi pair ke usne mere chhale dekhe

Kiya main taareef karoon us sheher ki
wahaan na saaqi dekha na maiye ke piyale dekhe

Humne mana aapme hogi sabr ki takat hamse zyada,
Dekh lo lekin utri hogi aapki surat hamse zyada.

Andaz apne dekhte hai aaine me woh,
Aur ye bhi dekhte hain ke koi dekhta na ho.

Ek diya jo sare rah jalane nikle,
Aandhiyaan bankar kai log bujhane nikle.

Jo humse tum na mile to kuch hum mar na gaye,
Kahne ko baat reh gayi aur din guzar gaye.

Khushi se aag lagao is muhalle mein,
Mera makan hi nahi tumhara ghar bhi hai.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

The Return journey - Part 3 Reaching destination

Gonna get myself to sleep in the next ½ hour. The getting at least 8 hours of sleep is the agenda now!!!

I am drinking bit too much of water 17th bottle...I know so stop drinking right? Well to tell you the truth now I’m addicted to ice cold water and the way it drips down the back of my throat. I feel like I’m drying out when I’m not drinking. It seems the more I drink the more dehydrated I feel, or I guess I’m just aware that I wasn’t moisturizing myself better before. This is the time I would rather hang out and write or call up D... who else, or just think what things I cant do. As soon as my head hits the pillow I’ll be shooting for 9am wake time. I actually feel sleepy which is amazing... considering the time i have spent in last 2 days.

Four things on priority:

1. mom is here cooking real yummy fat rich food so i need to be moving, exercising in any way shape or form I can.

2. Not touching those damn pills again until I am feeling unprovoked suicidal – wont let anyone push me to negativity.

3. Eating Breakfast! But not after 7PM.

4. Telling myself how beautiful and wonderful I am every day!

For time being these four things can change my life! I want to change my life, I feel good about really wanting it! Don’t know how it creeped in but its there and I feel good about it.

Seeing myself as I really am is a challenge when I look through the warped eyes of my jaded past, but when I think of my coming days i end up feeling so much of a time so less to do.Okies so i need to find things to do as well. My essence can’t change or be taken away from me. How could anyone on this earth, my mother, aunt, brother, father, or anyone who looks at me for any reason to judge me matter more than God or God’s opinion of me? Boy where did he came in from... mmmm wanted someone to say thank you to, so... welcome god.

But yes i really do wonder, how do we let people think that their malicious hearts and damaged minds had a right to speak to us about anything but pure love and forgiveness or something of that sort? How? why i ever scorned on someone without even knowing him? Saw him...hated him... why???I guess now i feel I am so much better than anyone’s misunderstood thoughts of me.

Let me seal it with saying it’s so true, “What you think of me is none of my business!” What must someone do who has not taken his ticket for the return journey which I had? How do they stand all the weight of hatred that exists in the world? Whom should i ask for forgiveness for ever thinking such awful thoughts about myself, which led to such awful thoughts about others.

I have done my time and now it’s time to go to bed and seek that coveted 8hour slumber of rejuvenation which i promised myself and from now its time to stand up for the promises I make to myself.

Tamed animals Part 2

Prashanth Sir tamed

Smitha & Kamal

Return Journey - Part 2 Train leaves the station

Day 1

3 hours from the last pill

Going strong... fully motivated...2 hours before mom reaches Bangalore. Feel like the least I can do for my mother is give her a drug-free son, don’t want to use that term anymore not that I hate it but people show their disdain towards it, an unwanted contempt... I never harmed (knowingly) anyone when high, always stayed in my own world, spinning my own stories how life should be instead of how life is, but fine... people around me judge my character with that, so let’s try leaving it. Not trying to face the world more boldly but standing clear for once and asking it silently “go ahead find some other fault in me now”.

But the main reason, do I have it in me? Can I stand up and say not to something which has been my life for mmm 2 good years and then yes, to capture the pain first hand in my words.

6 Hours...

Its not that hard I guess people exaggerated about drawback symptoms perhaps a good son comes at much lesser pain---lucky mom...lucky me

Key is to keep your mind away from those blue pills in your bag and rest is easy just keep yourself busy playing good son and anyone can do it... I can do it. Focus somewhere else...there is no real urge so lets not think in that way and let’s not fake the urge...there is none.

12 Hours...

Life is not that beautiful... shit happens and it happens frequently... why bother... who was mortally wounded when I was high?? No one... so why care?? What if tomorrow science comes out and says chemicals are good for health what a bloody waste it will be. Super restless... I guess I just developed watery nose and eyes... hmmm... not sure if it was a good idea to try this.... but will stick to it... this is still not my breaking point.

18 Hours...

Body pain...5 minutes back I blacked out...heart was sinking I could feel it...could not turn not even raise my hand... just feel myself collapsing... body started sweating profusely and then it was damn cold and I was shivering... black out was for 2-3 min not more than that felt like I touched death and came back... with my mom sleeping just next to me I touched death and came back... good its so late at night and mom is sleeping next to me, she would have surely sensed my restlessness and pain if not sleeping. 2 pills and everything will fade all the agony... all the pain... all the restlessness...and all the decisions being firm... no I can still bear it little further. If I don’t sleep this night it wont be my first night when I didn’t sleep but surely my first night in years I slept clean. So be it.

Day 2 - Morning 5 am

Blacked out more and I will surely be in happy hunting grounds with Jim Morrison telling him about my tomfoolery. Couldn’t sleep the whole night... it’s like...its like a rusted nail in your stuck in your chest and stomach and every move of yours it pricks you to eternity. Never thought it will be so bad... considering it was never that good. Nose and eyes are watery but it doesn’t bother me much now, I have got bigger demons to tackle. My head is going to split and splatter my brain everywhere. I am in a very dark mood if not typing these I will surely be blasting... irritation and frustration has reached new heights. I like nothing I hate everything near me can’t stand one word from anyone. Can’t hold my sanity and barely able to stop myself from shouting and screaming my self to glory. Someone left me cold dry and stranded and some point of time and I am never going to forgive that person. Never going to look back and give him/her second chance. I seriously need someone to blame everything on him. Don’t feel like eating, or doing anything, cant stand it anymore so slit my veins and let me die peacefully. 2 pills and it will solve everything. Just for once “Is there anyone who can come out of my dreamland, hold my hands and say it will pass... have faith – perhaps it won’t be that painful and prolonged torcher” Why is it always as you sow so shall you reap. Why I have to go through this??? Who is going to appreciate me for this, bloody half the world don’t know my regular diet and rest half who knows have somehow maybe reluctantly but have accepted me the way I am. Just underlined 2 reasons:

  • I owe this to world of blog – first hand experience about drawback symptoms
  • Cant construct the sentence with the stabbing going on in my head at present.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Return Journey - Part 1 "Conversation with Animesh"

Ashraf : Ani boy
Animish : hey kya haal hai ji
Ashraf : bahut bura 2 days no drugs Animish super drawback symptoms
Animish : You will longer Ashraf
Ashraf : live longer....bloody whats that???
Animish : better than drawing back on life !!!
Ashraf : why when ever u open ur mouth u talk shit .... one more shit ani boy 2 days
Animish : take that shit .... or else u'll repent on ur death bed Ashraf
Ashraf : i am doing benefit to the society
Animish : achchaa hai 2 days ... so now target 2 weeks
Ashraf : i have decided to exp the drawbacks first hand and write it down its gonnna be scarier than evil dead
Animish : yea ... would be an interesting read for potential drug abusers to take a step back
Ashraf : i am doing a bloody simple project trying to capture drawback symptoms first hand
Animish : i understand but why do u want to do it?
Ashraf : think will make a interesting read...very valuable... its painful may stop people from going ahead and falling for this... should scare them away... i owe that to our dear society
Animish : u do
Ashraf : i think so
Animish : but i think it would be more interesting if the project is experimenting ur will power
Ashraf : look at me and learn ur lesson and say no to drugs kind of stuff... will power or sadism
Animish :will power if u look at it optimistically
Ashraf : optimisim is a illusion created by insane junks ani
Animish : and wats the reality !!
Ashraf : i dont know bloody u think there is a gyan guru sitting here... i am on god damn drawback super symptoms man...stop asking me bull shit question
Ashraf : have u ever felt anything of this sort???
Animish : nahi not really
Ashraf: Good good for you Ani

( Deleted the rest)

Are we ready???

Friday, July 13, 2007


Team then.....

Team Now...

Is there a change???

Bosa - The art of Oral Love

“Can I Kiss you?”

“Cause that’s the thing highest on priority right now”... “I mean you can pull back if you don’t like it, but do stay just in case if you like ...”
Winter season ‘99.

Yes, I do remember maybe because it was my first kiss but more because she didn’t pull back, leaving a feel good factor to cherish for the rest of my life...Kiss Me/Kiss me not Kissing has been mankind's only way of sharing whatever food they ate...from the same plate ..oops palates..Since the times of Adam and eve. Adam and Eve didn’t have nice Gautier furniture to stack their food items and dint have c


Kissing has been mankind's only way of sharing whatever food they ate...from the same plate ....palate to be precise... Since the times of Baba Adam and Bibi Hauua.

Adam and Eve didn’t have nice Gautier furniture to stack their food items and didnt have containers...So they decided to share every morsel from the lips...before it parted into the throat as into the deep depths of the human body for digestion. But over a period of time mankind discovered that the lips were more luscious and tasty than the food they shared.....and thus was born the concept of kiss,. supposedly modified in France, as it is more popularly known as the French Kiss...

Did I just identified the lineage and historical facts related with Mwwwuuuaahh

Anyways, the Indian's even though were far smart in inventing the zero and Kamasutra, didn’t have proper growth and expansion strategies to their love making techniques...and came up with the poor kissing technique where the USP was on respect more than passion...and it was called 'Kissing on the Cheek or on your forehead’, which later in my times of online chatting came more as a yahoo smiley...more of a consolation award for the guy whose proposal was not accepted...and this was given as freebie award during the Indian Raksha Bandhan festival, which was the first girlie tool to pronounce her verdict against the men who don’t matter.

Sagas can be written and stories can be spinned and why not it’s Kissing

Some interesting thoughts I came across thought i will share with you all

If ignorance is bliss
why learn at all?

If nothing can be destroyed completely
where do my deleted documents go?

Gandhi cap was never worn by Gandhi!

Oh Ye backstabber!!!
Did my back hurt your knife??

If parting is such sweet sorrow
what is bitter? Meeting!

Small is beautiful, they say
what about a small pay pack?

Will you marry your girl friend
if she loses her legs in an accident?
What If she looses her sanity???

Bed not important
Sleep is.

If love is like a red rose
It will wither in no time!

Death is such a sociable friend
Visits all without invitation.

If god dwells in our hearts
why seek him outside?

Politicians trust in their commandos
while visiting temples!

The Priest knows
what is not in the temple.

Days pass
Death doesn’t.