Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Less - The More

Ernest Hemingway, as a young newspaperman in the 1920s, bet his colleagues $10 that he could write a complete story in just six words. He won the cash with this:
"For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn."

As an example of brevity this is unsurpassed, but is it actually a story? Does it fulfill all the rules of drama which one tends to harp on about?

There is no plot, no structure, no protagonist or antagonist, but this is a story because it evokes an emotional response in the reader, and that is the prime aim in creative writing.

What Hemingway does, and in a masterful way, is leave out everything apart from those words which are going to trigger emotions and leave the reader to fill in the story. Master of Con at his brilliant best. His story doesn't answer questions, it poses them, and the main one screams “What happened to the baby?”

What happened to this baby for whom shoes were bought but which are not now required? Why would a baby no longer require shoes? The responses all seem tragic, death, illness, kidnapping, every one a parent's nightmare. The parents then, or those who placed the advertisement, are the protagonists. The antagonist is unknown, the question of what took the baby. By the time we get to the story it is over and we are left to use our own imaginations to fill in the pieces. We must create, in our own heads, the beginning, middle and probably tragic end.

But is this the only conclusion one can draw? I tried to think up alternatives and they are admittedly weak. A drug addict parent buys the shoes, but then sells them when his craving becomes too much. Possible, but the gap between advertising the shoes and getting any money for them to buy the drugs would seem too great. Another option is if the shoes were bought as some kind of practical joke.. a size too small or a size too big and, having fulfilled that purpose, are no longer required. This could be plausible but stretches credibility, because the poignancy of those six words is lost. Hemingway didn't make them baby' shoes for no reason, beside the last thing you want to do is kill the antagonist. I would go for a tragic accident...Where parents lost all their worldly possession and the kid lost both his legs... but that would be too hard to swallow...

Each word here is carefully chosen, and especially the last two. Hardly' worn doesn't do it, and neither does unworn' though it would have served to reduce the story to five words. That word never' is the key, because it is like a lament for what will never' be.

Like the competent director of a horror movie, Hemingway does not show us his monster, he leaves it to our imaginations, and there is a lesson for us all here. Less is, indeed, more. Finding the balance between what exposition to give the reader and how much to conceal places the writer in as precarious a position as any tightrope walker.

I know someone who’s less outweighs my more... but that’s another story for another time...


Human missing from Superhuman

Most writers of fiction are nothing but liars, and that is an unimpeachable truth. For the sake of creating a super hero they kill the heroism... to create a superhuman they slaughter the human in it. Worst thing they start by hitting the young mind first.

Edgar Rice Burroughs creation Tarzan, is white man born in Africa and raised by apes but the truth is that white men born and bred in Africa tended to die of dengue fever, not swing through the trees on vines. A country filled with blacks...deep in the African jungles Viola he ends up with Jane a white woman... Tarzan might not have been such a superhuman if he was in the Sherwood Forest where antics of Robin hood still misguide the righteous.

Robin hood - a bandit... a robber; he is not a superhero because he worked hard and gave his money to poor... no my friends, he is hero because he stole from rich what was not his and gave a fraction to the poor just enough to keep them cribbing and not find work... rest he and his merry men spent on late night jungle parties.

The written word abounds with similar outrageous verisimilitude. There was no Flash Gordon and Fantastic Four where snobbish socialites. James Bond - man with license to kill slept with all the woman he came across and used his license at will. Hercule Poirot never solved a crossword puzzle and never caught the criminal before the crime was committed. Clark Kent a.k.a Superman... Peter parker or Bruce Wayne of Gotham city...they patrolled the city where the common man was a non entity... citizens were crippled morons defenceless against anything and everything. To give them their superhuman image city and its citizens were stripped of their human persona.

King Arthur never pulled a sword from a stone, Cinderella didn't have dainty feet and Mrs Robinson loathed younger men. There is no monolith on the moon; time didn't forget any land and nothing happened in a galaxy far far away. Count Dracula was a drunkard who didn’t give damn about wine or blood in his goblet.

I like Sherlock Holmes though, the master detective. Pipe smoker, cocaine user, a violinist who never married but got fooled by a woman once and couldn’t solve the crime of the Century –“Jack the Ripper”. No wonder he had such a human touch that people kept sending mails to 221B Baker Street even after a decade his character stopped appearing on book stands.

What was wrong with our authors that they had to tell such lies? Was there something lacking in their lives, that they felt such a need to pervert the truth? What went wrong with us? Why we never stopped our kids from reading Tarzan or Spider man comics???

Monday, September 22, 2008

Complexity of Female Mind and the Myth of Casanova

It seems to me that a disturbing number of the men (Alas that includes me as well), from the nerdy virgin friends to the Facebook stalkers that masturbate to pictures of mums hugging their 3 year old kid, are convinced to a fault that they are the masters of seduction. Way to go brothers!!! Lot of people feel I am lame dying cows’ last stinking dung but still that doesn’t stop me from feeling I am a Casanova.

Ladies, I guess you know what I am talking about. Lately I was reading life of Casanova... and apart from female flocking around him... I felt his life was dull. What surprises me is majority of female population still dig on his charm than any other dude riding his glory...

I wonder do we really know what it takes to be Casanova, the man who defined sexy male before we wobbled into the pudding like band of chattering monkeys high on Viagra? Are we truly savvy with the female population? And most importantly... do we really know the secret of winning a of better half’s heart for lifetime...?

Well I took the liberty of doing a quick survey with unfortunate female population who still stick with me... to find an answer that best reflects their personal view on this issue and read a collective WOMEN’S commentary on it, along with their not so humble judgment.

What is the key to getting woman heart?
A. Sex appeal
B. Money
C. A large one that fits her lock (size of the key does matter. Ain't no chochweeet little key gonna open great Indian woman’s padlock.)
D. Give her a big house and all the space the feminist bitch within her wants
E. Kindness and sincerity
F. Persistence
H. Chocolates/ roses/ gifts as frequent surprises
I. “How should I know”/ “You tell me” in other words lead kindly light always
J. Bloody mixture of all and more

Over all it turned out instead of Rock star like us SHE wants a fragile lost retard to baby sit.... Classic miscommunication... Before I go further just a quick sincere advice never ask any female what’s a perfect guy according to them... they bloody have the potential of making God feel inferior once they really start rolling their tongues on that.

Now If back to the list: Casanova scale (out of a perfect 10):

A. Sex appeal
Well, straightforward and true to some extent especially in global terms I got good 7 point coming from Warsaw on this. I guess it becomes shaky on its flight to India; bloody nothing less than everything is accepted here and to make it worse most of we Indian guys do NOT have that inherent ability to exude the aura of Don Juan on a whim. In fact, most of us do not have the inherent ability to exude anything but a lethal case of body odor.

Global Casanova Scale: 6.8
Indian Casanova Scale: 4

B. Money
Best put by my friend from Boston
“...now I ain't sayin’ im a gold digger, but i ain’t hangin' with no broke nigga...”

Global Casanova Scale: 5
Indian Casanova Scale: 4
That’s a relief you really don’t have to from a royal family...

C. A large one that fits her lock (size of the key does matter. Ain't no chochweeet little key gonna open great female padlock.)
This is a bad one if you are an emotional male and sensitive male like me you can skip this one...Females overall find it disturbing and at times annoying about how much we jiggle our keys around in our pockets... mmm its something like “No, turn it the other way... the other way, now jiggle it to the left, no that’s not right, now push, come on, argh forget it— I'll open it myself

Global Casanova Scale: 3
Indian Casanova Scale: 2
Anyway it’s an eye opener... it takes more than a set of balls to make things work

D. Give her a big house and all the space the feminist bitch within her wants
This time the are filthy bloody lying all of them...globally.... ask any married man and he will tell you what it’s “LIE of the CENTURY”

Global Casanova Scale: 2
Indian Casanova Scale: 2
Remember the twelfth commandment here “Thou should never trust someone who bleeds every month”

E. Kindness and sincerity
When a female tells you good men are either dead or they are Gay... they actually men it my friend... They love Homosexuals traits towards life... alas they don’t see even gays fancy us...the word kindness and sincerity in their dictionary if you compare with your own thesaurus it means... impossible... look at the score they gave

Global Casanova Scale: 10
Indian Casanova Scale: 10
Here we stand at a cross road... you have an option to celebrate celibacy all your remaining life or turn Gay... if you still want to hump your brains carry on...

F. Persistence
This one is good believe it or not either they didn’t understand the word persistence like the way we define or they really love stalker and perverts... Can you believe the actually like the guy who refuses to understand that they have already blocked him on AIM, yahoo, MSN and still persistently IMs her with his 34958795476 different screen names. This is the guy who leaves her messages on phone four times a day. They have high regards for him... so if u cant achieve impossible stated above take a camera.. a knife and start stalking your girl... chances are she will like you

Global Casanova Scale: 6.5
Indian Casanova Scale: 7

Here is a learning mate...if you play this dumb with you girl... they feel your evolution is not complete PERIOD

Global Casanova Scale: 1
Indian Casanova Scale: 1
I guess they didn’t give negative because its not an option

H. Chocolates/ roses/ gifts as frequent surprises
World finally meets here... we all know it

Global Casanova Scale: 8
Indian Casanova Scale: 9

I. “How should I know”/ “You tell me” in other words lead kindly light always
This is much better option than being UUNNHHHHH.... This says you know where you stand on the scale of understanding women (you actually don't stand near the scale.... you just observes from a distance with an extremely confused expression on your face). “You tell me” makes you half Casanova my friend.

Global Casanova Scale: 8
Indian Casanova Scale: 8
This is the take away point!!!

J. Bloody mixture of all and more
Close your eyes and shoot anywhere and you will still hit the bull’s eye here

Global Casanova Scale: 10
Indian Casanova Scale: 10

Yes, there are additions as well...things unheard of... qualities unknown to male-kind... and if I start putting them down here... it would surpass Google database... so lets forget it.
Thanks to all you females who took part in this survey... may you rot in hell for being such uptight...demanding... unpredictable..@#@$$%%^%$&%*^&*&(mailto:%5E&#@$!@@!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

The Cuckoo and the Crow

If you have felt Mother Nature you will find Cuckoos and Crows of the human world are fighting with each other for gaining the upper hand. But it is the common lot of the crow that is doomed forever. Cuckoo has a knack to camouflage itself according to the need of the time.

Cuckoo is a bird that is the most acclaimed in the bird community as well human beings. almost all the poets of nature are "affected" and" afflicted" by it. Its voice lures them and they are lost in world of fantasy. Some call it dream bird others call it a mystery. It reminds them of their childhood as well as their love. They wish to sing and enjoy with the zeal and zest of the cuckoo. Some even want to become this very bird to get the same fame and liberty which this breed relishes. And if you don’t know it comes under endangered list and protected in many country.

On the other hand crow is notorious bird... always wandering in search of anything eatable. It is always on the way to snatch piece of food from any creature of the world. Disregarded and displaced from every where in the world, it’s considered as the ugliest of all birds. Many writers of great fame have rejected the crow and have symbolized it as the crook and cunning world. They have condemned its very voice. They have shown a great loathing for the bird. No one gives a damn if you kill one or hundred they are nuisance alrite.

The people who applaud the cuckoo might be a tad ignorant just like those who defame the crow might be wrong. There are rare arguments...

Cuckoos and crows are enemies of each other. The animosity began due to the jealousy. Crow was the first bird that appeared on earth. He thought that he was the first bird who obliged the humankind. He was not wrong because he told the human being the way of burying the dead if you know the story of Kane and Abel. Crow was a resourceful bird alrite maybe the wisest of all. He was respected and obeyed by all the birds. His rule continued for a long time. That made him haughty and vain... I guess that’s the point where he started cawing and started insulting other birds.
Then came cuckoo on the scene who was a singing bird .He was assigned the task to entertain the birds and humans by its songs. He was performing the duties well when one day the crow cawed and insulted him. Cuckoo was well aware of the manners of the courts as well as the courtiers. The bird devised a plan to take revenge from the crow. Such a cunning revenge was taken that lasted forever. The cuckoo started eating the eggs of the crow and laid her eggs at their place. The crow unaware of the fact had been hatching the eggs of the cuckoo. When offspring came out the cuckoo sang sweet songs and brought the offspring away with her. In spite of a lot of struggle the crow could not save himself from the bad clutches of the cuckoo.

Whenever a common crow tried to present his case before the masters of the world, the Cuckoo started singing and lured the king. The king could not hear the case. The cuckoos are affluent and resourceful those have access to the authorities or themselves are authorities. The cawing and cry of the crow is not heard in the noise of sweet songs of cuckoo of the sweetness, wealth and authority.


Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Split Personality

I guess there are two kinds of people in this world: Those with SPLIT PERSONALITIES... Which essentially means there is just one kind!

At this point people with Shakespearian mind will guide you to a personality which is a mixture of Romeo cum Juliet...in other words a split personality who can screw himself and also the entire galaxy... while Stevensonist would portray something nearer to a psychopathic Jekyll-Hyde, but the truth my friend is that every single person exists in two bipolar states which confound half the people around him on a regular basis and seemingly entertain the other half.

Very recently I came in contact with a girl online who can confound me with her virtual presence and also entertain me with her online company.

You think that’s a split personality... well, that’s what you think

I met her on a typically idyllic morning in true Robert-Browning fashion which hill stations offer. Started with Hi... whats up... but before could reach ASL or are u single... she took me in a different direction... now facebook is something which is used by upper polished crust of Indians and you can hope for some excitement... journey till now was great... it was like the feeling you have when you are closing your system on Friday with one hand and lighting a joint with another to welcome the weekend!!! You got the idea right...

My Weekend didn’t arrive....

I think, I tried some bottom slapping or she saw the voyeur in me... she retorted like an abused female Mamba... before I could realize what I actually did... I saw an angered Goddess Kaali in front of me doing her jig with those kinds of weapon female actually uses against bachelors like us.

I guess I said sorry or something of that sort... and here the real split personality of female shoots in...

I have been flirting with her since...

There is also the other case of a certain lady who deals with her schizophrenic eccentricity with commendable flair balancing the conflicting roles of Empathizer-in-Chief and I’m-on-Switch-Off-Mode with equal ease. And then there this good friend of mine who’d come back to me break-up-shattered-scarred-veteran and swear over a bottle that he is finally done with losing his heart to a dame only to fall for the next thing going past him in skirts lending further revolutions to that vicious habitual cycle of his... Come to think of it, all the people I really know are having a split personality with exceptions of few who don’t have any known personality I can think of...

Anyway the point, however, is that this world cannot sustain the monotony of one-track simple non- convoluted people and with the foot that I consistently sport in my mouth, I’m not doing too bad a job either of falling in line with the rest of them!!!

About our little thingy

Some folks never got a grip about one’s attitude towards his penis. It’s a body part. We all have body parts. But somehow, someway, the male penis has evolved to such an extent; it has developed its own personality, bloody its own life.

If I’m lying, I’m dying.

Go ahead; ask any of us who is caring. I guarantee you; everyone has given a name to his thingy if not accepted the name given by their partner.

Let me tell you, they are not ordinary names, NO not at all. Our little pride would never be called Raj or Rahul...This small, goofy looking piece of flesh, sitting in front of two overly sensitive orbs, always, and I do mean always, merits some sort of large or action packed name... people who fancy reptiles give them the best of the breed name like Ajgar( Python), Cobra you will never hear anyone calling it his earthworm or Rat snake no never... Family oriented folks usually name it Chotta Bhai( Younger Brother) or Chotta Pappu( Younger Pappu)... other common names Soldier Knights, Redwood Tree, My Lil Banyan...Grinding machine...Big Jim and the Twins( That’s a family guy alrite)...

Yes, these are all different name of the same thingy that retreats at the merest suggestion of cold water. The same insolent thing, which will embarrass you showing its all strength in a public place, when u really want it to sleep. Same thing which will make all men go nuts do the craziest thing for the sake of its happiness.

If I tell the deprived females that owning a penis is a tremendously daunting proposition, the maintenance alone is overwhelming... they might not agree... but it’s true for all the men. The poor owner has to continually drain the main vein, and pull back its turtleneck to properly wash and...... just agree it’s a daunting task.

Not only is maintenance a problem bad penile behavior runs rampant. We are forever involved in the necessary task of rebuking the wayward organ; by what you call spanking the monkey or choking the chicken.

Coming back to the thingy names, these appellations, slightly threatening in tone, have no relation to the actual size of the organ. Even the tiniest matchstick, to its owner, warrants big and dangerous names like “The Thrill Drill”, or my personal favorite, Vlad the Impaler!!!

Vlad the Impaler... because I am game for a European any time and thy name portrays some rudimentary knowledge of European history.

If you don’t understand the threatening part of these names then my friend you don’t understand women and you are better off without naming it.

One will argue people like me are brutal... violent and if one really wants to attract a woman which woman would like to be drilled or impaled... woman prefers massage, soothing touch, good gentle talks. The name should go something like “ Bobby Ayurvedic... I won’t hurt... coochikoo....COOCHIKOO???

Well I know it comes from what your mother taught you, that you catch more flies with honey, than vinegar... it true mommas are great teacher... but its true only if your catching flies mommas boy...

For girls... well they have those traps which patiently wait till they are called for action and they don’t give it any pet names like... Miss Abyss...