Perhaps it'd been sitting in the back of my head for some time now. It’s been months I am on unchecked drug consumption and lots of time on weekends I have reached the coma stage where you black out for 5 – 8 minutes. Time when you start seeing the dark tunnel and light beyond . Yes, I have seen it quiet a number of times it’s like touching death softly and coming back to life. Your heart starts sinking; hands, face, body go cold, you won’t be able to raise even your finger you can’t feel the touch even if someone slaps you hard and there you see the tunnel with a thin streak of light at the end of it. Then you start sweating and come back to life. Cheating death once again...
My friends always point out my food habit is total crap (I have not tasted rice or roti for 3 weeks now, living on grape juice, biscuit with lots of strong coffee) and smoke way too much! At times I wake up in the wee hours of morning in a subconscious state light a cigarette, smoke and again go back to sleep... at times I end up burning my cheeks or bed sheet.
I've also developed a dark circles which are darker than my skin color. I make up my mind to exercise (every week without fail) and I do it for a few days, until I get bored of the routine and schedule. The sheer dreariness of exercising at a fixed time makes me want to puke! Beside that like I always say “my physical fitness doesn’t allow me to do such work.”
Anyhow, that's not what I'm writing this stuff up for… I actually don't know why I'm writing this up.
Sometimes I feel as though the blood isn't flowing very well through my heart. I get the feeling that an artery is blocked… or perhaps two… Can't say for sure.
I tell my friends about this sometimes, and they tell me, “Why don't you just go and get a complete checkup done? That'll make everything clear…”
I smile and say, “That's a good idea, it will surely tell me which instrument in my body machine is about to collapse.”
But little do they know, I'm afraid of death and don’t really want to know how bad things are inside me. I love to imagine I am in best of my health and if I have to die it will be sudden and peaceful. I am afraid to accept that I need to go and see a shrink or get admitted in a Rehab center.
But again, what I'm even more afraid of is finding out that I'm going to die…There! I've gone and said it finally… I'm going to die! Nothing unusual about it… we all are going to die someday, aren't we?
When I think of death, so many thoughts race in my mind -- “What'll happen to me when I die?”
“Will I even know that I died? Or will it be like the scientists say, I simply cease to exist?”
“Or perhaps I'll become a ghost that haunts the world, caught in between the spirit world and the physical world, by virtue of some unfulfilled desire…” Is it jehannum, hell, narak or something entirely different in store for me?
I guess I'll never know till I get there... Atleast I am happy I am moving at such a slow speed in life just incase if I am going in a wrong direction...
The dream was disturbing…
I know I was dying -- I think I know how a dying person feels and senses the world around him.
I was talking to my mother; all of a sudden, I developed a piercing pain in the chest (left side).I could feel the stab and then it felt like someone is crushing my heart with lot of force.
I kept trying to control the pain and managed to keep talking with mother.
Suddenly I could take it anymore; I fell to the floor.
Next thing I know is that my mother's trying to massage my chest (trying out a cardiac massage) and I sense this darkness engulfing me, slowly… very slowly.
My senses are active but I cannot act.
Next I know D is giving me a liposuction and then the death was worth it...
Ok, Late Mr. Ashraf what now?