Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Family Wrath

You can choose your friends but you can't choose your relatives. Dear Lord how true that is and sometimes the truth hurts. I think we are given family as a challenge to see just how much we can put up with in life before we become adults and then test how much of patience you have till the other adults before you die. Now die is a hars word so lets say they are called by god to rest in heaven.

My Mother was the 7th of 9 children and my Dad was the 4nd of 11 and me the defenseless younger of the two sons to deal with whatever you call it. If you count it only Ashrafs are more than 67 in number across the globe unless few more have born or died which I am not aware of and each one of these mighty individual is worthy of driving the world insane. Now don’t start imagining the catastrophe it brings during family gathering...not yet...

I have aunt who couldn't make a move without reading her etiquette book. Seriously she had everything thing indexed for weddings and funerals and you name it. She is a living encyclopedia of all kinds of ritual and customs in any kind of occasion.

Two of my aunts are so much into Saas Bahu(Mother-in-law Vs Daughter-in-law) TV serials that if you DARED walk into their homes during the show you had to keep your mouth shut and act dead while the serial is on, like you're going to disturb an actor on the TV screen?

I have a lot of cousins across the globe, one is still hung up on music of the fifties like nothing has happened since, one who lives like a recluse, a few who refuse to admit they were born into working class families and try to act like they are the ones going to fart in Buckingham Palace.

When grandmother was alive we used to have those annual family gatherings. Vacation dedicated to Blah Blah bickering and then few more Blah Blah and more bickering. It always amazed me then how, what people were talking about at the start of things was the topic we ended with, topics always ran a full circle. Then there is this issue of family history where we always ended up talking about things that happened ages ago and no one remembers all of it in the first place. Oh yes we used to dig up dirt not realizing that someday we will be buried under it.

Madness still remains our key forte but yes the great Ashraf gatherings definitely came to an end after my grand mother died.

Friday, August 22, 2008

First Night with Ganja Baba

That evening Madda ( Madhusudan – the slimy fuck ) took me to meet Baba — an evening trip which will continue for many evenings... for many months to come... and what more… a bloody walking distance from our hostel should I say much nearer to our abode than our department. It was sort of a party, with half-a-dozen matthas (Local Marathi) and spiritual seekers…oh yeah great Kali Baba was there!!! Jammu used to say Kali is long lost brother of Madda but I never found any similarity between them apart from the pure love for drugs. We began smoking Ganja early in the evening and continued throughout the night. Baba hit me with everything. Next day I spent the whole afternoon just getting my head together again, like the day after a heavy acid trip which I witnessed much later in life… I missed a lot because partially I was deaf and also because I could hear voices in my brain... I was hearing Chris calling… Sharad fighting with Chandan… Avis and his usual rants… lot more… I could see the words floating in air…

First trip with Sharad and Jammu was lot better... we where all new to it ofcourse apart from Sharad and also because we smoked it confined in a room. It makes you feel lot better because you feel secured even if you pass out... and also we smoked only one joint rolled in a cigarette... but this time I was in the company of veterans... smoking like railway engines from an earthen chillum...

Smokin it up... take out the stone stopper wiping the damn hot Chillum clean with a wet piece of cloth...again putting the stone back... filling up the Chillum and.... BOOOM!!!

Baba was trying to scare me I could make it out… Madda was enjoying the show I could make out that too… why the heck I was getting scared…I told him I am partially deaf right from birth... I don’t know why I have to lie thought he would understand the multiple voices booming in my mind… maybe because I was scared of him… he was like a walking corpse... you can count all his ribs and he has not shaved or cut his hair for ages... he was a true blue Sadhu baba.

Baba said that my hearing would be cured if I do some yoga he went ahead and started demonstrating it also...he also said if I want an early cure I need to collect white goats’ sperm and .... lets say he said many things to me that night. Some were gross insults, such as that in his eyes I'm just an animal. He declared all of us are arseholes… yeah he started speaking in English… and Kali collapsed with laughter — in fact not even as good as arseholes. Baba said we are all fuck-ups, crazy, the dregs of our society. Madda was his true son and I was a bad fuck up who will be trampled by Yumraj’s buffalo. Kali suddenly was very interested in the topic of past life and rebirth. He started encouraging Baba in telling about my past life and rebirth. He told me that I was a lama in my previous life — a fucked-up lama, now that was enough to make everyone interested in the topic… Lo!! Lamas are being mentioned in place like Sewagram. The rest of Matthas lost interest it was just me, Kali and two more by this time Madda has left us after taking 50 bucks from me. He attacked the lamas, calling them everything — except for the Dalai Lama and some others he has met (Kalu … I don’t remember the names now) whom he respects. He said that I am screwed up and frustrated because of what the lamas have done to me — their fucking moralizing! He said that, apart from the shit that I have from the lamas, I'm a 'great soul' (mahatma), who wouldn't harm anyone. He scolded me all night for not sitting up straight —I was just not able to sit straight. He said that people who slouch can have no self-respect. (I guess he is atleast right about the importance of holding oneself erect.)He talked a lot about fucking — said it was what we (students…North Indians… engineers… I don’t know) thought about most of the time. He said that my understanding of shunyata (Zero... I guess) was that it was (something like) the vacuity of orgasm — only a thousand times more so. He asked me at one point what will become of all this (indicating the phenomenal world) when I die. He said something about waking from the illusion of its reality. Said that when we were in the womb, after consciousness had arisen in the embryo, there is no awareness of space and time (these are produced by the psyche after birth). There is no awareness of light in the womb, it's like being in a dark room — but there is a night light, and if you can remember that night light then you know who you were before you were born. He said and did many outrageous things, and I was completely stoned, having smoked from 7:30 pm to 3:30 am. That evening I found out that there's a level of being stoned which you can't exceed no matter how much more you smoke.

Next Day…
Though I may be as fucked-up as I ever was (and still retain it completely, yet those days it didn't look so bad. By telling me that in my last life I was a fucked-up lama, Great Ganja Baba of Sewagram has thrown much light on my present life.

Below is a song dedicated to Ganja Baba of Sevagram and the men from Cloud 9 (Kali Baba, Jammu, Sharad, Chandan, Bongo, Stanley, Sachin, Madda... the list goes on)

Thursday, August 21, 2008

WHITE RABBIT -- Jefferson Airplane

Folks I am sure you gonna enjoy this... to make it more I pasting the Lyrics as well...
Sing along with the High Princess!!!

One pill makes you larger
And one makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall

And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call
Call Alice
When she was just small

When men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving low
Go ask Alice
I think she'll know

When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said:
"Feed your head
Feed your head
Feed your head"

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Birth of new generation: born - Online

The advent of the Internet in the country has revolutionized life in every manner possible. Not only has it opened our mind to the flexibility of the English Grammar and the daring limits to which it can be stretched, particularly when making friendship requests to people, it has also revealed the existence of an odd naval fetish among the men of this country as is evident from their growing interest in fraanship, loveship, dateship and a million other such ships.

“Why are men so creepy?” asked the dumbest of god’s creation I came to like once upon a time.

“kya?” (What) I was caught unawares. We were discussing the difference about Big Foot and Himalayan Yeti a moment ago (and she was looking interested as well)

“The ones that hound you online with their weird grammar!”

“Oh, those... I don’t know” great!!! She was not talking about me!!!

I have also come to the realization that this country is bursting with women who look like Aishwarya Rai, Preity Zinta, and of late, Deepika Padukone or Katrina as is evident from their online profiles. This surely augurs well for all the guys, and especially for the players of the Indian cricket team or ruling kings of bollywood who seem to have fallen for the same woman, totally oblivious to the existence of a 1000 other lookalikes in this country. Wonder why I never meet any of them on the road.

What disturbs me though is that there are some women who apparently look like John Abraham. Do they really look like him? Or are they doing this to attract gay men and deceptively put an end to homosexuality? Because that seriously is some sacrifice! Despite whatever they have to say about themselves on their profile, I can’t imagine a greater turn-off than to see a woman with rippling muscles and cropped hair showing off stubble. I am still not talking about folks who have pictures lions or flowers or coconut tree they are beyond the scope of my observation...i imagine yourself chatting with a coconut tree...


The other interesting development you see at an internet social networking site is the pseudo-matrimonial skin it assumes in the most subtle of fashions. Self-descriptions, usually, are as self-exalting as is permitted by the imagination and vocabulary of the person in question. I’m not one to judge here and maybe there actually are all that many good, ambitious men and attractive, lively women as the profiles claim. What does get me down is the flood of motherhood statements some of these profile-creators leave in their wake!

I don’t like to do different things! I like to do things differently!

Rest of the profile confirmed the first part since the person was neither a whale hunter, nor a neighborhood cannibal, nor did (s)he have any cross-dressing inclinations! However, the second part of the statement was open to question unless the shopping and coding bit mentioned on the profile were done walking backwards and standing on the head respectively.

I am unique! I am an oxymoron! I am a unique oxymoron!

That bloody well took the cake and didn’t even leave the cherry for anyone else... Every person in the world can genetically lay a claim on the first bit. As for the second, it’s all too easy to say you’re an oxymoron, but which one are you? Butt-head and “pretty ugly” are oxymorons too!

You can love me... you can hate me... but u can’t ignore me...


On one of those quiet evenings when you get hammered by such vague statements, I decided to mouth a silent protest against the self-exalting phenomenon on online profiles and altered my description to that effect on facebook...orkut...everywhere

“You sound pretty vague yourself”, a well meaning friend pointed out.

I nodded in agreement. “Everyone sounds like rot and when you’re sounding like rot, it’s better to appear rotten than to go around painting beautiful meaningless pictures of yourself.”

“You don’t want people who visit your profile to like you!” he asked.

“Well, definitely not on the basis of some obscure opinion of perfection I might have of myself!”

“And isn't the self-demeaning bit the other extreme?”

“I can’t bloody sound like an answer to all human sorrows when I’m not one!”

“You are over critical and suffer from inferiority complex”
He is a friend alrite...

Anyway, the online world has convinced me that there are no more geeks left in this world, nor are there any regular, homely women, the kind that my mother wants me to end up with! Everyone is just the perfect thing you've always dreamt of meeting! However, I am still waiting to meet the women who mention they are in my city and make it quite clear from their profile that they look like Cindy Crawford from the 80s. They sure never travel the streets I frequent...

My Top Ten from Atheist’s table

These thoughts (which you will read below) are not mine... Alas they are so well known and carry so much of depth that I can’t even fabricate it. They are my Top Ten Favorites from great atheists of all time... a take on life & humanity

Number 10, Samuel Butler:

"Man, unlike the animals, has never learned that the sole purpose of life is to enjoy it."
We fell into this existence almost like thieves. It was never promised or ordained for us. The evolutionary miracle of miracles that we got to exist at all! And we promptly set about inventing all manner of things to bring ourselves the most misery humanly possible. I don’t say we Indians lead from front but surely we are not far behind.

Number 9, David Russell:
"Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being that a belch is more satisfying."
I like his films and then learnt he was an atheist...

Number 8, Mark Twain:
"In his private heart no man much respects himself."
And how could he? From the time he is sucking his right thumb he is told he is weak, low, sinning, dirty, offending, downright stinky, told this life is a mere dress rehearsal for something better, and in need of some kind of miraculous salvation. This is our noble way of ensuring excellence in humanity.

Number 7, Oscar Wilde:
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."
And Oscar awards were named after him!!!

Number 6, Ingmar Bergman:
"We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian psychics ruled by Frankenstein logic."
Got to read this one twice to understand it...maybe more I like it merely by the flow of words and poetic license it carries.

Number 5, James Branch Cabell:
"MUNDIS VULT DECIPI" (The world wants to be deceived)
And will pay handsomely for its deception. Prophets, poets, priests, politicians, psychics and gurus need I say more...

Number 4, William Shakespeare:
"Nothing is good or bad, but our thinking makes it so."
Truly, one of the most important concepts ever penned from one the great who held it. What the world believes at any given moment is simply the prevailing popular opinion subjected to change with the next tide.

Number 3, Francis Bacon:
"Man prefers to believe what he prefers true."
Pretty much similar to Shakespeare's sentiments, Bacon's statement is really the short history of the world. Evolving into scary environs, man set about inventing a swirling dust cloud of illusions to barricade himself from the harshness of life.

Number 2 Mark Twain:
"Such is the human race...often it does seem such a pity that Noah...didn't miss the boat."
Who can argue with that?

Number One Anonymous

“Shaani Gadhi do baar thukti hai” – A smart female donkey gets humped twice.
On serious note I think it also means we set ourselves up for lifelong disappointment and misery when we fail to live up to our fantasy life...

That’s my take it will be good to know your favorites as well.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Woman in me

I have a doubt that I am a woman or at least turning into one. I don’t have much proof for this – for example, I don’t get 1000+ scraps a day on Orkut or don’t have big list in Yahoo or Facebook. Neither do men stare at my chest while talking with me nor do they open the door for me and look at my ass while I leave the room….but I do have a feeling that there is some genetic alterations going on without my consent...within me.

I am getting indications now, three day old cooked magi in the fridge doesn’t sound appealing... I face the mirror checking my lips after smoke... I wash my face with SOAP thrice a day now... I love spending time within the confines of my house but don’t hit the fridge too often as I sued to do earlier because I am... diet and weight conscious now.

I couldn’t write a post while the man in me was suppressed because every time I sat down in front of my laptop, I started cleaning it.

Woman around me talk about their personal issues...sometime personal personal issues and most of the time we just back bite about others. I also often end up discussing their dress and its design their purse or their shoes.

Yesterday was an eye opener, I went for SHOPPING... with 2 girls... I was window shopping for almost an hour ended up buying few grocery items which usually took hardly 5 minutes during early days. While coming back I almost muttered BLOODY LOAFERS because 2 guys were checking us out!!!

Once inside the house, I couldn’t relax till I had arranged the edibles inside the fridge and the other items in the kitchen cabinets. Around 9.30 p.m., I went to bed complaining of headache. Hey did I tell you we also ate phuchkas while coming back, I love them!!!

If you are a lady, you probably understand the symptoms better – can you tell me the truth…Am I turning into a woman? If yes...that’s sad...anyways ...what are your thoughts on same gender sex?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

In the game of life

Freud once said that sometimes a cigar is really just a cigar...

I say Freud didn't know what he was talking about. In my life, and in my line of work, hidden meaning flow as free as Ganga River. I guess you can say, I'm in the business of discovery.

No real job title to speak of, bloody I don't even really exist on the radar anyway. Yes, I am flesh and blood just like you all... but technically? I suppose I'm a ghost.
A mythical creature kind off... But, then again maybe I'm giving myself too much credit. In my kind of life you tend to get caught up in yourself... your own mind... your own way of thinking.

A bit about my life and my work... Well, I've been told I'm bit of a mystery, a code that is yet to be cracked. I just think of it as a bit of entertainment while I'm alive.

Finding meaning in the meaningless.... It's a line of work that can drive one a little crazy, at least from what I've found out.

Finding things at first was a pain and I hate all kinds of pain. Now I have found way out... I realized that a good way to go about things was... Well not to try at all. Be an observer to the grand scheme. Just be another pawn in the great game of life. After all we are merely pieces to the people who are tasked with finding the way to win.

Win what? Oh that is truly the grandest illusion of all my good readers. To win at this you must risk it all for nothing in return. That's right, you win nothing. It's more for the anticipation of the next move. The thrill that you have just backed it all into a brick wall...a dead end, with nowhere to run. That, my friend, is the only way to succeed.

Who are the players? You must be wondering, or at least a little curious. We all play the game every single day. Yet, most don't even know about it! How astonishing!! for a game to be played your entire life, and not even know if you might be in first or last, or stuck somewhere in the middle, let alone know you are even playing it! That's the beauty of it, and its mere design. By the time you figure out you are already 6 feet down or too crippled by fatigue to do anything.

I believe you must have, at some point of this blog, pondered the point of all of this. Point is NOTHING... There is no point, no logic, and no circumstance! Merely existence...

Yes, live and thou shall not receive. Give of thyself to get nothing back, save for some missing pieces of thee!

Amazing? Yes, I think so.

Think over it while I will be back at a later time, I hear my psychiatrist calling me... its time for my medication.


I love it when people tell me that depression is self-induced and that I need to come out of it... and this sagely advisedly comes from every talking human being.

Of course! Why didn't I think of that? Yes, bloody I have chosen to feel like part of my head is missing. I want to have this sense of estrangement and isolation from my own family and acquaintance. Thank you so much for reminding me that I'm a failure as a human being because I haven't got the good sense to snap myself out of this indulgent state of misery.

Just a gentle reminder: Nobody wants to be depressed.
Depression is filthy and that's a technical term for something not very nice. If I was going to choose a mood to indulge in, I'd go with wildly confident or blatantly creative, hilarious super human kind of mood. I would do things to make myself and other people laugh because laughing makes me feel good and depression doesn't. Depression's badness goes all the way through. I can't eat, but I put on weight. I feel tired all the time but I can't sleep. I'm unbearably lonely but I can't talk to people. I'm lost and bit frightened and I want to know what's happening to me but I can't ask for much assistance because of the sagely people who surround me.

Nobody with half a brain would choose depression, and depressed people are usually the smart ones, so they obviously haven't chosen it.

The pain of depression is every bit as real as the pain of pounding your thumb with a hammer. Its pain on the inside, not something you can point to. Not something that's going to show up on an x-ray, but it's there and it's real.

Now the weird thing about depression is that you can laugh when you're depressed. You can make a joke or be with friends, but it's like being with those friends while you are 5 codeine shots down or on a bad overdose of Charas. Everything is little bit delayed in action every thing is dull. The air isn't quite clear and you can't quite touch people (or let them touch you) even when it looks as if your hands are together. For non-addicts I guess it's a bit like someone with brain tumor or cancer going out for a family dinner. Looks okay but the disease is still there.

There are many causes for depression. It could be caused by part or all of a cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters (it’s a big word), the affects of disease or injury, or circumstances.

Depression is real and you can't ignore it by saying you refuse to believe in it. That's like standing on the edge of sky scrapper roof-top and announcing that you are about to fly because you don't believe in gravity. It's nice to be confident, but few things are just not going to work.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Love Crocodile

"Falling in love", at times it sounds brutal. It's as if love is some big leafy murky decaying swamp, and there is a hungry-eyed crocodile waiting to rip you apart. First you try to tell yourself not to take a dip in that swamp and then when you find its futile you try to convince the crocodile not to eat you up, but it's not worth it. Trying to avoid falling in love is like trying to convince a croc to turn down an amazing dinner.

My search and battle knows no limitations no boundaries and unfortunately, that increase the probability of me being hunted down. And then one day it did happen my dubious search for a lover finally came to a halt, this time by my own volition. I was been captivated by someone who is completely out of my league; someone who is so much into herself that it will be only by the grace of almighty she will ever give me the time of day. Why would I go for someone so egotistic you ask? I don't really understand it myself other than this person just does it for me. She has pulled me in the swamp, and I've already been cooked depends whether she will eat me or not. I mean can we really explain the complexities of the human heart, the hunger of a crocodile? Even if we could how can I ever explain my desire to be gobbled by this hungry monster. It's like saying "why is a rainbow good, why is the sky good, why is a new car good". It just is.

If you want to know what happened... well, the monster nibbled a bit on my body but then left it... guess she didn’t fancy the taste much. So many years later I am on move again but this time I'm starting a relationship with me, if I'll have me. I've never pursued someone so dangerous.

I fear I will be left standing alone with heart in hand.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Meaning of life

I am on me 28th day of unemployment but I take it as much needed sabbatical leave from a routine life. An absence from routine to understand why I need to have a mechanized life... what my life is and what’s the Meaning Of Life?

Few things in our existence can be more perplexing than trying to understand, or comprehend, the meaning of life.

Have you ever wrestled with the meaning of life in your mind...?

If so, did you ever come to a conclusion, or possible answer, or did you like so many others have done so before find it impossible to gain entry through the last few doors, and so left the topic, pending un answered...so to speak. If you thought about it, what did the thoughts and images in your mind conjure up?

Was it something religious, spiritual, a familiar locale of helping others, a time when you were sad and wished you could change it, or do something about it now? It's all too familiar, isn't it? I guess when we unable to open those last few doors of answer we adopt these common dictates maybe just to fill up the blank.

When pondering on this subject many things came to mind, and one by one they were discarded, for they simply did not seem to enlighten the subject. During the process, I came to the conclusion that the meaning of life meant many things, and all were unique in their own ways, and all identifiable with oneself. Therefore, a solution, and it may be a solution, is that the meaning of life, is nothing more than a series of perfect moments.

Perfect moments that when we look back in time makes us smile, makes us happy, makes us sad, moments that we will always remember and never forget. Great times, Bad Times, times when we just stood there struck with awe. Those magical moments when we found ourselves frozen and time flew by... Moments that should be lived and relived as often as possible, in order to learn from.

These to me are the true meanings of life, and they are many, and for as long as I dwell here, they shall continue to grow and flourish.

I am sure there are lot more interpretations of life which I am unaware of today. Hope to open few more doors and understand few more interpretations before my leave gets over.

List of Unhappiness

Apart from your parents, that is.

Of course, everybody knows that anyway. It's a given. Parents are the first reason for your eternal unhappiness. They just don't seem to 'get it.' They never have 'got it.' Not once in the whole history of human kind have they really 'got it.' But that's a fundamental universal problem. Let's concentrate on bigger things. Like your current personal issues. I mean, what is not making you happy? Who is not making you happy? Every one of us has his own favorite list. What's on yours?

Go ahead. Spill it out.

Is it your next door neighbor who plays loud music or is it the one whose kitchen faces your room and he got the loudest cooker whistle you ever heard and he bloody cooks dry fishes everyday? Or is it your girlfriend who is hell bent on changing your entire being to one of her favorite movie stars? Don’t forget to include your colleague who never forgets to remind you every Monday how lavishly he has spent his week end. Fine let me just make a few educated guesses here and you can nod your head when you agree with me.

Is it the growing materialistic craze in the environment you inhabit? Or your slimy boss who took another dig at your 'brilliant' idea? Your company for offering peanuts for a paycheck? The government for everything right from inflation, evils of globalization to pollution and reservations to taxes? The cleaners, doctors, pedestrians, auto rickshaw drivers, speeding call centre cabs, beggars on the streets, cops on the street corner, crows’ in the morning, mosquitoes at night...

Whoever thought life was going to be like this? There you do nothing, absolutely nothing, to get in the way of trouble. But trouble finds you nonetheless. Just to make you unhappy. It comes in all shapes and sizes. An over-bearing father, a mother who doesn't understand, friends who are opportunists, an education system that numbs your mind, no money, work that dulls your spirit, weather that's dangerously similar to a baking oven, air that's only just a little less toxic than over flowing sewage that you have to walk by. Girls with no brains, boys with no directions, roads that resemble battle grounds, traffic that's good enough to give a heart attack, too many ugly people, too little time, cosmetic surgery that you cannot afford, night shifts, no over-time, peer pressure, violence, overcooked food, senseless flyovers... the list is long and winding.

You know it. I know it, but what's the point? Nobody seems to give a damn. They are just not willing to make things any better for you. Do anything to make you happy. “Get used to it” - is the order of the day.

The situation, as you can see, isn't very hopeful. This is added grief to your existing bag of woes.

But surely, somebody's got to do something. One has to and one must. And that ONE better realize it soon. After all, it's a question of YOUR happiness. Now the only question remains where to find that ONE...