Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Pre-Relationship Questionnaire

I was thinking what questions we need answered before we get into a relationship or committing to someone. I have asked the same to few people I know and I am sure there will be lot more, do comment and leave your name with your age and gender if you think I have missed out some:

1. Do you practice safe sex? Sharad Kumar ( Male - 26)

2. What is your fantasy? Ashraf Imran (Male-26 year)

3. Are you in debt? Linda Edding ( Female - 36year)

4. Why did you break up with your ex? Ashraf Imran (Male- 26years)

5. What is your idea of an ideal mate? Ashraf Imran (Male- 26years)

6. Are you interested in a commitment? Anonymus

7. Do you have any health issues? Ashraf Imran (Male- 26years)

8. What are your long-term goals? Monika ( Female - 25 years)

9. Are you interested in having children? ( Manju - 27 years)

10. Do you like me as I am? (Johnson 24 years)

11. I am coming from a humble background with middle class life strata, will you be able to adjust with me and agree to stay with me along with my family? ( Kiran - 26 years)

Friday, September 21, 2007

Welcome to depression...

This is the third night I couldn’t sleep in a row. Sleep comes at around 7 in the morning and then it’s only closed eyes. I don’t know when I learnt to fake sleep but now I find I am doing pretty well in that too. So many things I have faked for so long that I have started believing in their existence. There are few shocking dreams which I don’t want to see again, they can never happen and I don’t want to share it even with myself. My thoughts are not aligned with my senses my heart is betraying me.

I am angry all the time and I don’t know why. The only thing I prayed god was let me be addicted to things which I can buy or which is available and I won’t complain.... and here I am so much addicted to her.

I end up looking at mirror deep into my eyes and saying stop here she is not yours there is nothing there, there cant be anything there nothing is meant to be there. At one stage of life everyone needs to pause and sense their surrounding, need to accept that love is for bloody chosen few and realize whether you are the one or not. But no one listens to me... yes... I am angry all the time because no one listens to me. I am in pain but no one listens to me... time...my thoughts... my heart...my addiction...no one.

We just crash into each other to feel something... maybe to feel we are alive and emotion still exists within us... maybe to realize few strangers may pop up at anytime of our life and brush through it without realizing that they are going to leave an ever lasting impression on us.

She comes in my dreams and gives me such a long warm hug that when I wake up I am shivering in reality. I forgot the count of overdose, everything is numb around me I can’t differentiate what I see in dreams and what happens in reality... I am not able to differentiate when people are really caring and when they are plain sarcastic. I make few people angry because I don’t feel the pain when they really want to hurt me with their actions or words. They are angry because I don’t identify and respond to their efforts in hurting me. Blame it on codeine and If you ever find me lost on the roads please tell me to go home, I don’t belong on road and save your anger till I am alive enough to feel the pain of it.


This life has seen different times yes there were times when I used to carry my shadow and guilt where ever I go. Where ever you go... guilt comes with you. Did I do right? Was that action justified? Did I kill someone innocent to save someone close? Will this haunt me? Should I have tried more for love? You second-guess yourself. You complain to friends. “It wasn’t me.” I can’t leave my parents who gave birth to me... brought me up... for my love. I can’t break old relations to make new one.

Then one day, you are looking at the same mirror and it hits you “It is me.” Just like those one days when you see your own elder brother stand, face and fight and win his love. You shock yourself with the realization that you were that cruel, coward who didn’t do justice to his own love. You accept your own flaws. Then you wake up...months have passed that she has married to a much better guy. You realize they have left and unlike other times this time...it’s final. They have left months back you only realize it now, you also realize when they left they take your confidence with them. “Why me?” Tears rush in to fill the void of self-confidence. Sympathy comes in many forms. Self-pity comes in the ugliest of forms. That rebound. You search for acceptance and approval even from those you yourself would neither accept nor approve.

One bloody life and so many shit loads of mistakes. Codeine is the solution to all pain. It is... it makes you believe that one day the same mirror will say “Enough.” You stop. Life loses some of its shine. But it is fine.

Then one day mother science will declare “Medical research proves codeine is good for human health and provides you with vital vitamins needed to fight depression”

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The art of Commiting Suicide

There was a time when I was thinking of committing suicide not many moons ago. Committing suicide not because I hate this life but because I was so very curious to know what lies beyond death. This life as such is over... she got married... she is married...global warming... mosquitoes at night...traffic jams... dust... noise... sunlight... I hate everything. What I love is something which I can buy and own all my life. I feel its safe addiction... we are diverting from the topic... back to suicide to unveil the ultimate mystery “what lies beyond death”. I won’t mind being a ghost if I get all those special powers what we think they have. In fact I think I will do pretty good at being a ghost. I mean most people die an unwanted death or as an unsatisfied soul and become ghost, here I am dieing to become ghost. I don’t want to hang myself if you read more about death by hanging you will find instances where people took half an hour or may be more to actually die. That’s bloody painful and I don’t want a painful death. I guess the best way is to have an over doze of sleeping pills. Yes, that’s the best way – “dieing when you are sleeping...” but there are preparations, things to be done... actions to be executed. You don’t commit a suicide without writing a suicide note...That will be foolish... give a reason to your death...Your suicide note will be the last thing people have to remember you by. Your relatives, friends, police officers, and others, will read it. Some people take your suicide note to judge the way you lived your life. You might think that suicide notes would be the most carefully crafted documents, however in many cases, they are written carelessly and hastily. The worst suicide notes I know of was of girl in her late twenties from my childhood days. She died by hanging herself to the ceiling fan hook her suicide note said “I am committing suicide”...

I have shelved the idea of committing suicide for time being there are few things on priority which I may not be able to do if I die...but I got few things to share with people who want to leave a real impression before buying their ticket to happy hunting grounds.

If you are not actually committing suicide because you want to die but are just looking to get attention, do not bother reading this. The world never forgets the one who cant even do a good job in committing suicide. And your note will mean nothing once the doctors are done treating the scratches on your wrists or pumping the 2000mg of Advil out of your stomach. There are better ways of getting attention anyway. For those who value mystery of death more than miseries of life I will suggest make this your masterpiece. There is no joy better than leaving the world when you are on top of it.

Start Early.
Getting an early start is important. If you can, start a few days before your suicide. Make sure you're in a clear state of mind. You do not want to try to write your note while waiting for the pills you took to kick in, or have to rush through it before you bleed to death. Giving yourself enough time to write your note will help eliminate the most common mistakes.

Don't try to say everything.
There are probably a lot of things you have on your mind, and you need to take some time and sort them out. Decide what is most important to say and leave out things that don't matter. Decide now what you want your readers to come away with after reading your note. Eliminate those things that distract from that point.

Handwrite your note if you can.
A handwritten note is a lot more personal. However, if you are worried your letter will not be understood, or you are physically not able to write it by hand don't worry about it. The important thing is that you get your message across.

Be natural.
Write the way you would speak. I feel a good suicide note is personal, not formal. Don't get out the thesaurus and look for the biggest words you can find. Be yourself.

Avoid cliché’s
Filling your note with phrases like "Goodbye cruel world" and "no one understands me" will make your note feel less like your thoughts and more like a form letter. Too many cliché’s and it can look like you are just going through the motions or that you are leaving a note because you feel that you should, but without having anything to say. If you want to say something but it sounds too cliché, try to re-word it a little.

In general, use first person.
It creates a sense of intimacy and makes it easier for a reader to see things from your point of view, if you want to use a different viewpoint, be sure that you stick to it throughout your whole note.

Don't use your note like a will.
You might want your best friend to get your stereo but your suicide note is not the place to express that. If you want to leave certain things to certain people you should setup a will ahead of time. Just because you write it down does not make it legal, and it can be easily dismissed by the claim that you were not of sound mind when you wrote it.
Taking the time to set up a will will also help keep you from giving away your stuff in the months/weeks/days before the suicide. That's one of the most obvious indications that you are thinking about killing yourself and will likely get you "saved", or at least make the process more difficult.

Be Honest.
Your note will be one of the last things you give the world to judge you by. If you include things that others can disprove, it can discount the entire note. Besides, there is not much reason for lying at this point, is there? Go by the Hindi movies dieing men don’t lie.

Don't reveal your methods.
This is most important when taking poisons and pills. Telling everyone what you took just makes it easier for them to give you the treatments needed to revive you. Alternately, you do not want someone to find the note that details which bridge you're jumping off of before you get that chance to jump. They might be able to stop you. People will find out how you did it once the autopsy reports come in anyway. Beside if you thinking my way via sleeping pills some Indian shit head will surely come up with sentence like “he was too coward to hang himself.”

Don't say anything you might regret.
There is always a chance that you will be found and "rescued". Suicide notes are not the place to rip into people, give away other's secrets, or confess crimes. The last thing you want is to end up in a hospital bed, facing the people who read something you would never have told them while alive.

Don't try to persuade the reader.
You do not want to spend your time trying to convince the reader that you are right. In most cases nothing you can say will change the way they feel. Your purpose is to express your point of view. It doesn't matter if the reader shares your point of view or not, only that they understand it. Anyways the world is going to brand you as wrong so the least you can do is don’t go to that tangent at all where things can only be right or wrong.

Proofread your note.
Re-read your note at least twice. It's easy to make a simple mistake that distracts from the overall feel of the note. When reading over your note, there are a lot of things to look for. It's better to read it several times, looking for something different each time then to try to remember it all while reading it over once.
Make sure the point you wanted to get across when you started writing is clear. Don't be afraid to make corrections, but be sure to read your note over again when you do.

Make your note easy to find
Take some time to consider where to leave your note. If you can't leave it near you, be sure to leave it in an obvious location. Even if you want someone in particular to read your note first, avoid sending it to someone by mail. There are too many things that could go wrong and once you send it, it's gone. Your note could get lost in the mail, or worse, it could reach someone before you can go though with it, or it goes to a spam and he deletes it before actually knowing you are dead.

Check your note for flow.
Your note should progress rather then being a loose connection of thoughts and feelings. People reading your note should see that it is going somewhere. That you are head strong...that you committed suicide because you were capable enough to execute this action to the fullest. If you're having a hard time, start with a sentence or two that sum up the point of the letter, and then end with a summary of the same topic. Every paragraph in between should support that point.

Make sure it's not too long.
There is a reason it's called a suicide note and not a novel. Try to keep it around two or three pages at the most. Avoid the temptation to mention or leave a little note to everyone you know. Not only does that get dull fast but you're certain to leave someone out.

P.S: There must be many more things to do which I am not aware of at present. If you think I missed out on something kindly share it with me and if possible, please send a copy of your suicide note to me at bottled.heights@gmail.com or leave a voicemail at 919880224784

Friday, September 7, 2007

The Legend Of SEX

Sex is neither godly nor satanic. So what is it..?

I was having a casual chat with this female friend of mine who has lived her entire 25 years of life having all wrong notions about sex. I thought let me ejaculate my thoughts over here and I am sure she would be the first one to read it and then will come my D factor heartbeats asking my why I wrote it and who is this 25 yr old dumb virgin.

Coming back to the Sex factor I feel there are lot of mis-givings that people have been propagating about sex from all sides, especially we Indians, I don’t know why we always end up thinking we are the sex gurus of the world although we really don’t invest much time or energy in actually doing it. I feel sex is neither divine nor sin, neither Godly nor Satan, neither holy nor unholy. Sex is neither love nor lust, neither masturbation nor mating and especially for we Indians neither domain of ones pepe nor an art of their hand.

There is this good man I know, who treats sex as divine and worships his wife. Infact I believe its is so divine for him, that he does not actually do it hoping one day Christ or Karna is going to be born in his house…

And then there are so many women and men, who don't do it on occasions, sighting spirituality. They don't fail in other duties of excretion, but this (s)excretion is sin. And then there are a whole lot of religious preachers who preach sex as sin and ask people to suppress it. Many of them let it out in different ways is another issue.

What is Godly in sex..? That it may lead to pro-creation is a thing that is being sighted as godly. Does that mean the doctor who is fertilizing the egg with sperms in a lab, is doing a Godly act..? or the poultry farm owners who performs artificial incubating and take out chickens in dozens every 20 minutes are god? What bloody godly substance we can find in a murgiwala?

And what’s satanic in sex..? Sexual urges lead men/women to destroy each other. Hence these urges need to be suppressed. This is not in sex only. A hungry man steals food or robs people for eating. Does eating become satanic..? a scholar will crave for book, a writer as humble as me will urge for pen and paper does that make books & pens & papers of the world satanic (considering its me who is gonna write so nothing good is gonna come out). I believe the act of raping, robbing or stealing is condemnable, not the physical urge that triggers it.

And what is holy in sex..? Having physical relationship between people.. is it holy..? Even plants involve in sex by pollination. Everything in this world is a culmination of one or more items. Then everything is holy. For this I feel it cant be holy I have my own philosophical take on that "A thing can’t be holy if it doesn’t have the purity... that oneness..." Sex is of dual nature.. anything related with god needs to be pure with oneness and completehood. God for me cant be a by-product of two things, he needs to be one and defining completehood. What I mean is Mr. Sun cant marry Ms. Moon and have offspring Master Earth as God. Its debatable and I wont buy it even if I lose.

What is unholy in sex..? Except for the secretions that get transferred between the bodies, there is nothing else that we can think of as unholy. If secretion becomes unholy, our mother's milk is the first secretion we taste, it becomes unholy. Have you ever thought if it would have been the first human being to classify things holy or unholy he perhaps would have gone this way:

“Lord whatever comes out from the backside of this Mrs Hen would be unholy and I wont boil and eat it” This very line would have taken egg out of our breakfast table.

My good readers Sex is just a natural desire for men and women and at times maybe supernatural considering Superman and He man also had parent. Then why do our elders prescribe it inside an institution like marriage..? We need to understand it logically.

Lets do a short study of human origination and civilization...Humans from individual hunters(Adam), went into groups of hunters(Adam & Sons ltd.), then they graduated to community settlers, from communities morphed into large families as population grew, dis-integrated into joint families with further population growth and decomposed into single families, now becoming nuclear families or in layman's term having a live in relation and probably going back to individuals in coming future..

When we were in community, women were given to a family. All sons in family plough on land and increase the harvest. With joint families, it became that women were given to one son in the family and when he dies, his junior would take over his role and his side of bed.

With further enlargement of population and need for increasing the population came down, the practice got morphed into eliminating the wife physically or mentally so that competition to property and division of property does not happen.

At every stage of our growth our rules on sex has continuously changed. It has come to this one-on-one few hundreds years back and as humans are becoming individualistic again, it will probably go back to any-on-any, few centuries down.


Today in my view the family system has become the grass-root for our democratic society. And it can provide peace of mind and good life experience to people in multiple dimensions like security (physical and emotional), pleasure and satisfaction.

Although I don't prefer a family system but that surely doesn't mean I don't believe in one nor it takes away the love I have for my family. I do believe in family life and find people living in family lot livelier and happy than people like me staying in solitude.

It is not the point of keeping socket closed or open till the institutionalisation is done, more an issue of keeping the society that we live, at peace, so that it does not get new problems everyday. Hence it is better to have sex as per our traditional rules and keep the socket shut and wait for the occasion.

And the bonus point within the four walls, which socket goes where it really does not matter.

So my 25yr old ignorant Virgin this is what I say:

If you have eaten jack-fruit, you would taste the softness of that flesh first, then it's smoothness as you wet it with your saliva, and as you bite into it, its sweetness and as you bite more and more, a lingering sweet happiness, you would feel in your mouth. And when you finish it completely, you would feel content and happy that you ate one.

If you explore sex with your wife, it is like eating the jack-fruit. You have to break the shell, get it open, reach the flesh, wet it, bite it, break it and in the end you are happy about having one.And before you object let me tell you that I cant give an example from a girls point of view primely because I am simply not one and secondly I have never seen a guy with those girlish coy look.

Today I am happy because my life called me up and I pray your lives also calls you up soon. Together we have been through a cold and lonely times and trust me there is nothing better than one's life calling him up.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Goodbye Sweetheart

I don’t know where it went so wrong. I don’t even know why I went that way when there was nothing right to be seen.

Well for the sake of argument I can say it was right at one time. She was the perfect woman for me. The right height; the right looks; the right poise; all that grace and charm; that heart-stopping smile; that funny wit; and that touch of vulnerability and innocence sprinkled with possessiveness.

I don’t even remember how many varied kind of monkey acts I have performed to grab her attention. She was my ultimate high-maintenance woman, with her ever changing footwear, high expectations, high morals, high society, high flying ideals and a small ear ring at a high place on her left ear. It was impossible to connect with the height she was at. Flattering though her attention was, I was not much interested then. It seems like a long hard road not promising much in return. Anyways perfection never attracted me.

Days were of 70 hours then. Life was more satisfied; god was not much in demand, top most priority in life was to kill time.

Then that stumble, that crack in her perfect façade, a momentary weakness; there was a brief requirement of my presence and life was never same again.

She could read me from day one; I was always naked in front of her. Naked and ashamed with eyes hard closed. Before I can help myself I opened my eyes to see I am hiding behind her. This was to continue in its snail speed for many months to come. She was taken and I was at the point of no return.

I didn’t ask for this, it just happened.

“In love with a married woman” – “welcome to my life”.

This is an ideal catch 22 situation. God forbid try to avoid this as one avoids a plagued dog. You lose the game irrespective of which side you play. Nothing good can be salvaged from this disaster.

Our relationship changed in subtle ways. There were many unspoken laws being made and followed everyday. Laws and action without any sane logic. The path to destruction was paved with good intentions of trying to fit each other’s fantasies – except that we didn’t realize when those fantasies were replaced with nightmares. Atleast I don’t know.

She was now my benefactor of nightmares and I was getting addicted to my prisoner persona.

There were bitter fights, painful comments being passed... we started questioning our relationship and our presence in each others life on a daily basis. Although I realized this road doesn’t promise an ounce of goodness, she was still my angel who dwelt in heavens and ignorant of my descent into hell.

Everyday I used to wake up faking to myself that it was all a nightmare and she cares for me. Everyday I used to look in her bright eyes trying to see a reflection of that companion... of that feeling which brought us together in the first place; instead I used to find this puppet, this sycophant, this lying shell of a human I had become. I was losing my honour and integrity to my heart. Trust me it’s not at all a tolerable one. You are fighting with yourself, you don’t know whom to choose, you don’t know who is going to win... you don’t have control. You become a helpless spectator to this battle waged everyday. You silently watch your life getting eroded. A little peace... a little peace can only be bought with overdoze of drugs in every solitary moment of your life. You become allergic to real world. You start seeing a stranger in the mirror. A stranger built on false illusions and craving needs.

What was left for me to do? I don’t fight nor do I crave to win. I am quiet fine losing things. I am comfortable living in a virtual world. I don’t expect people to be honest with me I am quiet fine with people lying to me. When a relations gets plagued it’s a slow and painful death. You die in inches. So the best I could do was make arrangement for my funeral service.

Bags packed, filled ‘em with memories of dreams that I have lived. Made a bonfire of my nightmares and solitude... bid adieu to regrets...slaughtered forgiveness...Gathered my sins & regrets and blessed them with the holy water of dry tears. With slow deliberate moves broke the mirror of my false reflections, absorbing... feeling all the pain. If you want to end something they say burn it, if not that then burn its effigy. I burned my dreams, my abode.

I stepped out in the cold night air, shut the front door leading her way and locked it carefully. Burned the key, erased her phone number the only source of communication with her. She was floating too high to notice what was happening on my turf. It was one sided affair, it was always a one sided affair. I built that wall and it was I who destroyed it.

Self realization can at times be very painful... at times you wish that person would declare that you are a nuisance in her life rather than realizing yourself that you are the unwanted. It’s a disease within.


Its almost 4 in the morning and till few minutes back it was raining madly. It’s an eerie silence now. You can feel the restlessness of earth to know whether it is going rain again or not. This silence reminds me of the scene in Saving Private Ryan where the handful of US army were waiting for the Germans to attack.


Jon Bon Jovi is playing in the wind.

“You think you know me just because you know my name,”
You think you see me 'cause you've seen every line on my face
You want to want me just because I say that I want you
But does it matter if anything I'm saying is the truth


The night is fading like my old tattoo
A heart and a dagger that says "Forever"
Staring at your window with a suitcase in my hand
The streetlights buzz as the cars roll by and the moon don't give a damn
I'm getting tired of talkin', even I don't understand
Why I'm staring at your window with a suitcase in my hand

Like everything even this story comes to an end. Praise thy lord for everything comes to an end.