Welcome to depression...

This is the third night I couldn’t sleep in a row. Sleep comes at around 7 in the morning and then it’s only closed eyes. I don’t know when I learnt to fake sleep but now I find I am doing pretty well in that too. So many things I have faked for so long that I have started believing in their existence. There are few shocking dreams which I don’t want to see again, they can never happen and I don’t want to share it even with myself. My thoughts are not aligned with my senses my heart is betraying me.

I am angry all the time and I don’t know why. The only thing I prayed god was let me be addicted to things which I can buy or which is available and I won’t complain.... and here I am so much addicted to her.

I end up looking at mirror deep into my eyes and saying stop here she is not yours there is nothing there, there cant be anything there nothing is meant to be there. At one stage of life everyone needs to pause and sense their surrounding, need to accept that love is for bloody chosen few and realize whether you are the one or not. But no one listens to me... yes... I am angry all the time because no one listens to me. I am in pain but no one listens to me... time...my thoughts... my heart...my addiction...no one.

We just crash into each other to feel something... maybe to feel we are alive and emotion still exists within us... maybe to realize few strangers may pop up at anytime of our life and brush through it without realizing that they are going to leave an ever lasting impression on us.

She comes in my dreams and gives me such a long warm hug that when I wake up I am shivering in reality. I forgot the count of overdose, everything is numb around me I can’t differentiate what I see in dreams and what happens in reality... I am not able to differentiate when people are really caring and when they are plain sarcastic. I make few people angry because I don’t feel the pain when they really want to hurt me with their actions or words. They are angry because I don’t identify and respond to their efforts in hurting me. Blame it on codeine and If you ever find me lost on the roads please tell me to go home, I don’t belong on road and save your anger till I am alive enough to feel the pain of it.

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This life has seen different times yes there were times when I used to carry my shadow and guilt where ever I go. Where ever you go... guilt comes with you. Did I do right? Was that action justified? Did I kill someone innocent to save someone close? Will this haunt me? Should I have tried more for love? You second-guess yourself. You complain to friends. “It wasn’t me.” I can’t leave my parents who gave birth to me... brought me up... for my love. I can’t break old relations to make new one.

Then one day, you are looking at the same mirror and it hits you “It is me.” Just like those one days when you see your own elder brother stand, face and fight and win his love. You shock yourself with the realization that you were that cruel, coward who didn’t do justice to his own love. You accept your own flaws. Then you wake up...months have passed that she has married to a much better guy. You realize they have left and unlike other times this time...it’s final. They have left months back you only realize it now, you also realize when they left they take your confidence with them. “Why me?” Tears rush in to fill the void of self-confidence. Sympathy comes in many forms. Self-pity comes in the ugliest of forms. That rebound. You search for acceptance and approval even from those you yourself would neither accept nor approve.

One bloody life and so many shit loads of mistakes. Codeine is the solution to all pain. It is... it makes you believe that one day the same mirror will say “Enough.” You stop. Life loses some of its shine. But it is fine.

Then one day mother science will declare “Medical research proves codeine is good for human health and provides you with vital vitamins needed to fight depression”