Goodbye Sweetheart

I don’t know where it went so wrong. I don’t even know why I went that way when there was nothing right to be seen.

Well for the sake of argument I can say it was right at one time. She was the perfect woman for me. The right height; the right looks; the right poise; all that grace and charm; that heart-stopping smile; that funny wit; and that touch of vulnerability and innocence sprinkled with possessiveness.

I don’t even remember how many varied kind of monkey acts I have performed to grab her attention. She was my ultimate high-maintenance woman, with her ever changing footwear, high expectations, high morals, high society, high flying ideals and a small ear ring at a high place on her left ear. It was impossible to connect with the height she was at. Flattering though her attention was, I was not much interested then. It seems like a long hard road not promising much in return. Anyways perfection never attracted me.

Days were of 70 hours then. Life was more satisfied; god was not much in demand, top most priority in life was to kill time.

Then that stumble, that crack in her perfect façade, a momentary weakness; there was a brief requirement of my presence and life was never same again.

She could read me from day one; I was always naked in front of her. Naked and ashamed with eyes hard closed. Before I can help myself I opened my eyes to see I am hiding behind her. This was to continue in its snail speed for many months to come. She was taken and I was at the point of no return.

I didn’t ask for this, it just happened.

“In love with a married woman” – “welcome to my life”.

This is an ideal catch 22 situation. God forbid try to avoid this as one avoids a plagued dog. You lose the game irrespective of which side you play. Nothing good can be salvaged from this disaster.

Our relationship changed in subtle ways. There were many unspoken laws being made and followed everyday. Laws and action without any sane logic. The path to destruction was paved with good intentions of trying to fit each other’s fantasies – except that we didn’t realize when those fantasies were replaced with nightmares. Atleast I don’t know.

She was now my benefactor of nightmares and I was getting addicted to my prisoner persona.

There were bitter fights, painful comments being passed... we started questioning our relationship and our presence in each others life on a daily basis. Although I realized this road doesn’t promise an ounce of goodness, she was still my angel who dwelt in heavens and ignorant of my descent into hell.

Everyday I used to wake up faking to myself that it was all a nightmare and she cares for me. Everyday I used to look in her bright eyes trying to see a reflection of that companion... of that feeling which brought us together in the first place; instead I used to find this puppet, this sycophant, this lying shell of a human I had become. I was losing my honour and integrity to my heart. Trust me it’s not at all a tolerable one. You are fighting with yourself, you don’t know whom to choose, you don’t know who is going to win... you don’t have control. You become a helpless spectator to this battle waged everyday. You silently watch your life getting eroded. A little peace... a little peace can only be bought with overdoze of drugs in every solitary moment of your life. You become allergic to real world. You start seeing a stranger in the mirror. A stranger built on false illusions and craving needs.

What was left for me to do? I don’t fight nor do I crave to win. I am quiet fine losing things. I am comfortable living in a virtual world. I don’t expect people to be honest with me I am quiet fine with people lying to me. When a relations gets plagued it’s a slow and painful death. You die in inches. So the best I could do was make arrangement for my funeral service.

Bags packed, filled ‘em with memories of dreams that I have lived. Made a bonfire of my nightmares and solitude... bid adieu to regrets...slaughtered forgiveness...Gathered my sins & regrets and blessed them with the holy water of dry tears. With slow deliberate moves broke the mirror of my false reflections, absorbing... feeling all the pain. If you want to end something they say burn it, if not that then burn its effigy. I burned my dreams, my abode.

I stepped out in the cold night air, shut the front door leading her way and locked it carefully. Burned the key, erased her phone number the only source of communication with her. She was floating too high to notice what was happening on my turf. It was one sided affair, it was always a one sided affair. I built that wall and it was I who destroyed it.

Self realization can at times be very painful... at times you wish that person would declare that you are a nuisance in her life rather than realizing yourself that you are the unwanted. It’s a disease within.

....

Its almost 4 in the morning and till few minutes back it was raining madly. It’s an eerie silence now. You can feel the restlessness of earth to know whether it is going rain again or not. This silence reminds me of the scene in Saving Private Ryan where the handful of US army were waiting for the Germans to attack.

.....

Jon Bon Jovi is playing in the wind.

“You think you know me just because you know my name,”
You think you see me 'cause you've seen every line on my face
You want to want me just because I say that I want you
But does it matter if anything I'm saying is the truth

...

The night is fading like my old tattoo
A heart and a dagger that says "Forever"
Staring at your window with a suitcase in my hand
The streetlights buzz as the cars roll by and the moon don't give a damn
I'm getting tired of talkin', even I don't understand
Why I'm staring at your window with a suitcase in my hand

Like everything even this story comes to an end. Praise thy lord for everything comes to an end.