Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Return Journey - Part 2 Train leaves the station

Day 1

3 hours from the last pill

Going strong... fully motivated...2 hours before mom reaches Bangalore. Feel like the least I can do for my mother is give her a drug-free son, don’t want to use that term anymore not that I hate it but people show their disdain towards it, an unwanted contempt... I never harmed (knowingly) anyone when high, always stayed in my own world, spinning my own stories how life should be instead of how life is, but fine... people around me judge my character with that, so let’s try leaving it. Not trying to face the world more boldly but standing clear for once and asking it silently “go ahead find some other fault in me now”.

But the main reason, do I have it in me? Can I stand up and say not to something which has been my life for mmm 2 good years and then yes, to capture the pain first hand in my words.

6 Hours...

Its not that hard I guess people exaggerated about drawback symptoms perhaps a good son comes at much lesser pain---lucky mom...lucky me

Key is to keep your mind away from those blue pills in your bag and rest is easy just keep yourself busy playing good son and anyone can do it... I can do it. Focus somewhere else...there is no real urge so lets not think in that way and let’s not fake the urge...there is none.

12 Hours...

Life is not that beautiful... shit happens and it happens frequently... why bother... who was mortally wounded when I was high?? No one... so why care?? What if tomorrow science comes out and says chemicals are good for health what a bloody waste it will be. Super restless... I guess I just developed watery nose and eyes... hmmm... not sure if it was a good idea to try this.... but will stick to it... this is still not my breaking point.

18 Hours...

Body pain...5 minutes back I blacked out...heart was sinking I could feel it...could not turn not even raise my hand... just feel myself collapsing... body started sweating profusely and then it was damn cold and I was shivering... black out was for 2-3 min not more than that felt like I touched death and came back... with my mom sleeping just next to me I touched death and came back... good its so late at night and mom is sleeping next to me, she would have surely sensed my restlessness and pain if not sleeping. 2 pills and everything will fade all the agony... all the pain... all the restlessness...and all the decisions being firm... no I can still bear it little further. If I don’t sleep this night it wont be my first night when I didn’t sleep but surely my first night in years I slept clean. So be it.

Day 2 - Morning 5 am

Blacked out thrice...one more and I will surely be in happy hunting grounds with Jim Morrison telling him about my tomfoolery. Couldn’t sleep the whole night... it’s like...its like a rusted nail in your stuck in your chest and stomach and every move of yours it pricks you to eternity. Never thought it will be so bad... considering it was never that good. Nose and eyes are watery but it doesn’t bother me much now, I have got bigger demons to tackle. My head is going to split and splatter my brain everywhere. I am in a very dark mood if not typing these I will surely be blasting... irritation and frustration has reached new heights. I like nothing I hate everything near me can’t stand one word from anyone. Can’t hold my sanity and barely able to stop myself from shouting and screaming my self to glory. Someone left me cold dry and stranded and some point of time and I am never going to forgive that person. Never going to look back and give him/her second chance. I seriously need someone to blame everything on him. Don’t feel like eating, or doing anything, cant stand it anymore so slit my veins and let me die peacefully. 2 pills and it will solve everything. Just for once “Is there anyone who can come out of my dreamland, hold my hands and say it will pass... have faith – perhaps it won’t be that painful and prolonged torcher” Why is it always as you sow so shall you reap. Why I have to go through this??? Who is going to appreciate me for this, bloody half the world don’t know my regular diet and rest half who knows have somehow maybe reluctantly but have accepted me the way I am. Just underlined 2 reasons:

  • I owe this to world of blog – first hand experience about drawback symptoms
  • Cant construct the sentence with the stabbing going on in my head at present.

No comments: