Burning Sensation

Sometimes we are given what we ask for and sometimes it is more than what we bargained for...

When the later happens consequences can be devastating... I could feel myself dying by degrees. Everything in my mind was rotting...decaying. My body was going this way too. Daily overdose of codeine mixed with blue smoke of marijuana acted like catalyst. My emotions were still running riot, vivid and colorful as ever... Yet they were becoming increasingly detached from reality. They were becoming no more than abstractions to be used like pawns in the ever raging war of my mind. And emotions have no awareness of themselves - they play, they fight, they die. They do not care about tomorrow. Emotions are like children. The mind is weaker than any one emotion, but it understands the necessity of living... It can plan. The mind is not a bad thing, not in itself. The mind is naturally just as bright and loving as those childish emotions, it's just tinged with a bit more seriousness, a bit more sobriety. Unless, of course, it's dying. It is then a fearful enemy, to anyone and anything, but most especially to its master.

And all throughout this slow death of mine, I prayed for some kind of deliverance or reprieve. I wanted my mind to be healthy again, in fact healthier than it had ever been - as healthy as it was meant to be. I wanted to be alive, fully breathing, fully blooded, fully thinking. The fuzzy existence of a pathetic individual, fluttering vainly against his own apathy was (and is) a horror to me.

Life has not been terribly hard on me, compared to some. Some might look at my life and think it'd been soft and easy. Still, there are serious losses, serious wounds that I will carry to my dying day - and hopefully not beyond... These are things that I've honestly tried my best to compensate for, by keeping a good demeanor, being kind and learning to have a sense of humour. The sense of good non sarcastic humour is still pending.

All I wanted is to feel the hope of a boy, to know the determination of a man and be a fresh and aware human being. It was not too much to ask from oneself, though sometimes it felt like too much to expect from a non-obedient self.

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By degrees I can feel all this coming to pass. I am coming alive. My whole body spasms with life sometimes, as the blood and electricity return to muscle tissue long abandoned.

My mind is returning to life too, the decaying thoughts are being shed, and it has stopped manipulating my emotions. Now given liberty, my emotions are leading me onto a new path - one I would have missed not too long ago. My body is also regaining its health. Everything in me seems poised to take a dramatic leap into a wildly beautiful future. Beautiful future crafted with help of much beautiful human being who never fails to see goodness everywhere and believes in dreams coming to reality.

Yet sometimes, as the sun goes down, my heart fails me. I can feel my body grow grey as it trembles with every quaking heartbeat. The old fear, unused to this newer self, resurfaces, pure jealousy surfaces riddling me with doubts. I am on the verge of tears, thinking: "What have I done?". Dark mood super imposes my being. I retract to my shell vowing never to leave its secured walls till the deafening silence is unbearable.

I go on long walks and try to tame my troubled mind, with its dark and bottomless fears, using introspecting talks or music. These things invariably work. There will come a time when I won't need to trouble myself over these fears, a time where my heart won't skip and my blood won't treble in my ears at night. Until that time, I will have to bear the pains of the awakening I have begun. It was, after all, the very thing I desired. It is just surprising how painful it can be, at times. Why do my hands shake, sometimes for no reason at all? What is this sleeping dragon I am awakening?

What is it for? What's its destiny?

What have I done?

(Why am I speaking so cryptically?!)

It's alright though. I'm too curious to see what happens next to stop what I have begun. I guess this is what it means to be in love.
Volim Te Puno Cuppi