Cynic Life

At times you fear yourself have you gone too far ahead or are you lacking far behind. Whats the road you are traveling my good man?

I'm interested in anything about revolt, disorder…chaos, especially activity that appears to have no meaning. It seems to me to be the road towards freedom. Talking about myself like Jim said “I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs”. Black outs they are … farewell to sanity and routine

From not using an ashtray or eating directly from the container instead of plates to buring your voter I-card actions are promted by instinct. To be a person who shakes other people up and make them feel uncomfortable. Some may give it a name of emotional violence but its not violence as far as I see, anyway I don’t have anything against violence it isn’t always evil or unwanted. What's evil is the infatuation with it. Anyway it’s a wrong word here, there is not much physical work involved at least not a physical threat to anyone. We fear violence less than our own feelings. I feel personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict. I am talking about this kind of war, a battle that is waging within us… were we stand at both the ends, war were from being always a loser we switch to being the winner… always

I don’t know why we are talking about this maybe because reecently in my life I have discovered not only a new dimension of hatred but also came up with a new way of expressing hatred. I feel hatred is a very underestimated emotion… one of the most unexplored and undefined.

The most loving parents and relatives commit murder with smiles on their faces. They force you to destroy the person we you really are: a subtle kind of murder. Hatred undefined… unsurpassed. Then there is hatred one has with himself. Punishing his needs, his desires… there are many faces of it. I had to work a lot, experiment a lot to be precise to over come such hatred and voilence. Miles have to be walked and explored before you taste a drop of “Virgin Freedom”. A freedom undefined. To be honest in my life I have not tastes more than few drops of those but it’s enough to drive me forever. I believe in a long, prolonged derangement of the senses to attain the unknown. Our pale reasoning hides the infinite from us.

The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are... what you saw in your weirdest dream. We trade in our reality for a role we are expected to play in this world. Giving up our ability to experiment, explore and feel in exchange, putting on a mask which maynot let you rest for the rest of your life. Where's your will to be weird? It got killed you killed it yourself.

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. I have to quit jobs and seek shelter in mountains till the money ran out to kill the fear of career goals. I have to forsake my mobile and change my phone number to kill the fear of losing relations. All around you people are trying to confirm their own existences. One needs to kill that very urge.

Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been in going back to places and people unchanged and being made to realize and repent how much I have changed. But then again you make peace with authority, to become your own authority.

I feel time to hesitate is through for me and this is the strangest life I've ever known. To end again on Jim Morisson lines “There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors.”