Winter Morning Chai

It was Five in the morning ..bitterly cold and I was up was because I couldn't take the mosquito bites any more… Four hours of blood fest amidst my clapping and they still didn't have their fill. I zipped my jacket, borrowed shawl (quilts) from my sleeping mother and came out of our ancestral house.

I decided to take a long walk and went to the adjacent Muhalla (Locality) to Bundelkhand which houses equal proportion of Rajputs and Bhumihars with few houses of muslims as well. Rajputs are the warrior Hindu clan and Bhumihars proclaim themselves as Brahmins. Rajputs have their reservations about them and think as the name states they are nothing but land grabbers (Bhumi = land; Har=grab).

Smoke, Drink & Blood - Our way

Stage 1 – 1930’s

My cousin grandfather was working as lineman in Dumdum airport, Kolkata (now Netaji Subhash Chandra bose airport). He was from the 2^nd batch of Indians hired to do grounds work at Rs.30/month. This is something he told me two decades back… now he is dead; I don’t know where he is buried but the story he told me then got embedded in my memory and gives me some sense of pride which is easy to carry but hard to share if you know what I mean. 

He was a bachelor then came from his native place to work in Calcutta taking a loan of Rs. 50-60 from my grandfather (his brother). Life had just started for him in the new city but was going smooth he used to send half his salary back home (half the sum to his parents and half to my grandfather to clear his debt) remaining he used for his boarding and lodging in Calcutta and still saving a bit for his pending marriage. That was life in beautiful India then under British rule.

Death of Criminal me...

Although my ancestors reside in the ganglands of northern India, I never acknowledged myself from being there and for good reasons. Unlike greater part of India where common man is corrupt - they are whisker short of being criminal in my native place. I never met someone lacking in violent temperament from there...well at least till my dear Friend Sachin Vij got married.  I remember getting a big smile when I first came to know that his wife is from my native place and the very next moment I was worried about my friends well-being. You see although he is a sweetheart he is also a 'Delhiite' and like me if his roots start calling he will end up doing his peacock dance and fingering act in front of whom, hammering Delhiites' comes naturally.

What kind of mood is she in today?

Husbands around the globe face risk and perhaps potential demise each time they come home at the end of a hard day of work. Desperate men everywhere ask themselves every evening the same ultimate question “What kind of mood is she in today?” 

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Whenever I stand in front of a mirror I don't like what I see. It's been some time... you feel helpless knowing all the factors involved are going to deteriorate further as the time passes... the mirror..the vision and the image. After giving up on the mirror and the vision I come to the final part the image

These late night when my wife finally sleeps with exhaustion battling her ever constant back pain, I usually sneak to bathroom to have my last smoke. And there my critical eye rises... and my mood is so low that the earth´s core can consume it, I often end up examining myself.

Art of Living

Weather is fine… sun is out… greenery everywhere… you got butterflies on the flowerbed as well… location is surely not India but the one you see during the songs in any Bollywood romantics...Mr Bolek and Mrs Lolek sit down to share breakfast and the Sunday paper. Three years into their marriage, things are going great. They both work, share the household chores, manage their finances together and their love life is good... they even go for swimming and movies together like they dreamt of before marriage. Sure they fight sometimes... like other couples married or not..but  they talk it out and make sure they never go to bed angry and if they go they make sure not to break the promise of never sleeping in separate rooms/beds.

Perils of a Good Relation

I guess all good relation comes only in 1 flavor and that's bored &monotonous. My life is full of good relations and hence it's sans any excitement. I graduated from being bachelor & lonely to married & bored to death around 3 years back.

Taming the Lion - Rise of Mrs.

On a good day I am around 30 kg more than my wife… maybe overweight for a fellow of my age and size by 10 kg or so but I am like a snake when it comes to moves… I am very hard to catch even in a small room … I can make people tired and loose hope just by making them try catching me circling around my sofa. I cannot only dodge flying objects in kitchen or bedroom but have also mastered the art of dodging constant nagging and verbal abuse.

Sins and handful of Realization

Croatia this time around was more of self-realization trip. Realized I am past my prime with receding hairline and overflowing stomach. Perhaps if you don’t read any blogs about my fatherhood peril or plans of it in next couple of years… understand that shipped has sailed for me. Ye, I realized bad stuff actually did a lot of good to me. Dope enhanced my imagination to think out of reality box. Cigarettes gave me patience to sit down and pen those. Chemicals gave me courage to go ahead and publish it for you judgmental pricks.

Living the husband moments

I had a sloppy first half of life and the second half is going through a litmus paper test, which I call Marriage.

It’s the second half alrite… I got double chin for starters … got grey hair trespassing my youth on my sideburn running a very successful breeding program right on my cheeks…and you know you are getting old when you hurt yourself while sleeping…and having a wife just works like a catalyst to your aging process.

What is special?? – Part I

I have lately been on my burning the bridges tour… with friends, neighbor’s family… especially the family and people who are usually around me.Hate to believe I have retards in my family line but the numbers just keep on pouring.

Long journey of being Coool

Sometime I sit back and wonder when was the last time I acted cool. It was not the college we didn’t have a more than 10 rupees at one time and once 1st 15 days of the month are passed we didn’t even carry a wallet.

Before I knew college was over and I was back home without a job. People of all shapes and sizes had a job or something to do… I didn’t have any… that was no time for being cool that was hide from the world period for me.

Daily meeting - Human Rodents & Killer residing on my Migraine

I find it easy to categorize people around me. They are either human-human, or human-rodents. You know those rodents who adapt to the surrounding in a very quick uncanny way and still bloody stick out as a sore thumb, and the most surprising part is that there are people who love them.

Cupid Reject – Part II: The Bahuguna Syndrome

Following very closely to the Mama’s boy we have the people suffering from Bahuguna Syndrome. Their deficiency gets them attracted more towards the four legged ones than the humans. This kind deficiency is more prevalent in females than males (At least I have never seen any porn with a man humping a dog or a horse). I personally know few females who suffer from this Syndrome. My friend Jubee (name changed) started with voicing her thoughts against animal cruelty, then it was more of a intellectual revolutionary way of attracting males. Something like saying “Hey I love dogs and I will surely love you” and before she knew her house was a kennel, now she got her mutts snap on her facebook profile. One more friend of mine Arpita (again named changed) is a class apart, her love with her mongrel is multi-facet. Her dog is her friend, lover, daughter, roommate, bitch everything. All possible relations which can be taken up by a human is filled up by her pet. Off late my wife has developed an uncanny affection towards facebook aquarium and its rubbing on to me as well. I understand a part of this syndrome the addiction part you start by exploring different traits of the animal and then suddenly you find you understand your pet more than you understand humans or humans understand you. One leads to another, confusion and drinks leads to sin and then you have a dark secret to keep.

Cupic Rejects – Part I: Mama’s Boy

Never in my thirty years of this mundane life had cupid gone beyond giving me a sarcastic smile. It remains a classic mystery of my youth why girls always chose to remain single than to mingle with me. From random to the ugliest lot they always maintained a 500 meters of emotional distance from me. No one gave me a good reason …till I got married. Very next day of my marriage my good wife decoded the ancient mystery by saying “You are a Mama’s boy”. Statement didn’t come as a reverse compliment which I expected it was more in lines with someone being told by his girl friend that he got a small tool.

About Monkey with Red buttocks

Haughtiness is an interesting concept... some might say it's a confusion of values others might include it’s to fill the void to fill the lack of depth a person has… something of that sort I just made that up… Anyway the question is there really a difference between two individual - one who drives my father’s 40 kicks and still won’t start, 20mph ancient scooter and the one who glides in black Lexus of his father. Yes, there is and thank God my father sold that metal pile before I was enlightened of that difference.

Curse of Langda Baba

Not so long time ago when I was about nine or ten, our house was on a dead end street in small town Rourkela. At the back of our house was a road that branched off to several smaller lanes and at the end of one of these lanes was a mud house with thatched roof where an old crippled tribal man lived. As you can imagine everyone in the neighborhood called him Langda Baba (lame guy). I don’t think that anyone knew his real name, it didn’t matter from where I come your disability becomes your identity.

Where do you get your ideas?

Every profession has its pitfalls. Doctors are always being asked for free medical advice, lawyers are asked for legal information, witches for puncturing someone’s life and writers are asked where we get our ideas from. (I proudly pronounce myself as a thinker and a writer.)

In the beginning, I used to tell people the not very funny answers, the flip ones: 'From some past incidence or from something where I was remotely connected or from a dusty old book full of ideas or I stole it.

Then I got tired of the not very funny answers, and these days I tell people the truth:

'I make them up,' I tell them. 'Out of my head.'

Folks don't like this answer. I don't know why not. They look unhappy, as if I'm trying to slip a fast one past them. As if there's a huge secret, and, for reasons of my own, I'm not telling them how it's done. Not letting them penetrate inside my mind or my sad looser life kind of.

New one - if you know dont bother to read

This one is new!!!

From: FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION [mailto:rbtmueller111@myemail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, June 16, 2010 4:56 AM
To: undisclosed-recipients:
Subject: F.B.I ALERT ON YOUR FUNDS (CODE 111)

ROBERT MUELLER III
EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON D.C FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET.

Creativity!!!

Been long time didn't punch anything here... guess after marriage I lost my thinking cap... but good to see few people didn't... yesterday I received the following mail:


Dear friend,

I'm prince Abedi Opoku, a heir to the throne of the late ruler of the Ashanti Kingdom, the Asantehene Otumfuo Opoku Ware II who died in February 1999.